Wednesday, January 11, 2012

MuDdy THOugHtS

Something has to give. Something. Lately, I seem to be wandering along and it seems that I am in a gully of I stare around at my confusion and doubt swirling about me like bees to nectar, I realize I've stopped moving. I look down and see that my feet are sinking, not-so-slowly but surely in the eroded landscape. I realize I need to act quickly, but the fog that is my confusion and doubt is sort-of attractive, in a way. It lulls me to complacency. It sings a sweet lullaby of ease and contentedness. My ears hear the melody of a sound that is so familiar, it is understood by my heart from before music overtook my soul. My eyes, clouded, do not cause worry - in an odd way, it causes relief because I will not have to see clearly or perhaps see anything at all. But its my heart that urges me to truly listen to whats around. Its my heart that implores me to see the reality of my circumstances. It is my heart that reaches down to my suffocated and submerged parts and pleads for them to find one last push, one last way to be put on a firm rock, a solid place to stand.

As I lift my filthy, earth laden legs; putting one foot in front of the other; making progress, but losing ground because the slower I move the further I sink. By now, it has started to rain. I had heard the thunder in the distance. I had seen the sky's definitive line that divides the sun's light from the cloud's cover. The stormless lullaby that almost engulfed me has now turned to a symphony of turbulent sounds. My legs are tired and weak from carrying the burden that is battle of my head versus my heart. Suddenly, I'm stuck. Up to my waist now. There is no branch above me. There is no rock below me. No words can escape my lips - which doesn't matter because no one hears me anyway even when I do speak with sound.

So what now?

I don't know. The weight of the drenched soil is unbearable. The rain roars like a lion when faced with his enemy. The raindrops wear away my resolve. The color of the sky matches the rising dread in my heart. I search for anything but darkness - one single star to prove hope...and as the clay around me seems to harden even though the onslaught of rain will not cease, I am still searching.

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