Saturday, January 24, 2015

No One Gives to the Giver

** This is NOT in ANY way directed towards ANYONE I know. It is simply an observation I have made over the past few days. I am sorry if anyone who reads this takes it the wrong way - that is not my intention. As in anything, I am just as entitled to share my opinion as you are - both are equally valid - none more right than the other ** 

Now that the above disclaimer is out of the way, let's get started - shall we?

Giver (n). One who gives; a donor or a contributor. 

I am a giver. I always have been. It is not unusual for me to be doing my regular, day in and out, overwhelming things AND other things for other people. I do like this facet of myself even when it sometimes taxes me above and beyond what I KNOW I can handle. Need a meal? I'll just make more than what I usually do and share. Need a phone call or a chat to get something off your chest? I'll fore go TV or whatever pleasure to make sure you are all set. This God I believe in? He loves a cheerful giver. I try to be one all the time.

I love to give words - I love to give encouragement and hope. I love to share my faith. I love to talk about how much I love others and concepts and things and experiences... I love to give gifts and hugs. I love to share who I am - faults and all - ... I suppose all of that encompasses a 'giver.'

I had my wisdom teeth out yesterday. I didn't make an enormous fuss about it because I tend to blow things out of proportion (even though I had TOTALLY blown it out of proportion in my mind). I have never been under anesthesia - yesterday was my first time. I am never really out of commission at all... so this is all new to me. This feeling of.... I CAN'T BE THE GIVER. Its like - I can't be who I am. <- any="" but="" don="" feels="" i="" it.="" it="" its="" know...="" know="" like="" me.="" nbsp="" need="" normally="" now="" of="" other="" others.="" others="" p="" say="" sort="" t="" to="" way="" weird="" who="">
My husband works a lot - he is an amazing provider and takes pride in being able to support us like he does. I don't do anything to hinder that. He had to work today (couldn't get out of it) so I just went along with it. I figured I would be able to manage the things that need to be done if I kept it to a minimum. I woke up this morning to three squawking baby birds (i.e. my children) asking for food and needing who knows what from me. I nipped that in the bud but quickly realized that this would be far from the easy day that I had hoped for. There is laundry to be done, there is food to be cooked for dinner, there is picking up that needs to be done. Can my girls help with this? Yes... but the control freak in me wants it all done the way I do it. <- a="" and="" another="" as="" bit="" blog="" br="" children="" delight="" disappointed..="" don="" emotion="" feeling="" here="" i="" in="" is="" itself.="" kind="" listening="" m="" my="" nbsp="" of="" other="" outside="" post="" really="" right="" sit="" snow="" so="" some="" squealing="" t="" that="" the="" there="" to="" understand.="" with="">

Disappointed in myself that I just can't rest. Its almost like I don't understand that concept. You'd think that not even 24 hours after anesthesia, I'd be gentle with myself and do my best to take this opportunity to really do NOTHING. Nope. Because I know that if I don't stay on top of things, they get out of control. Then if things are out of control, I FEEL out of control. If I FEEL out of control, I go in to panic mode... and we all know that Dina + panic mode = absolute disaster.

Underneath it all, I feel like no one really gives to the giver because they assume that the giver has plenty reserves. I know a few givers and they make it look EASY when in reality, it can be hard. It is hard to put yourself/needs aside and include others. Yes, it gets easier with practice... but still. I think that maybe the assumption is that I always have my ducks in a row. I always am able to give more or do more... and so in this vulnerable time of what I might dare to consider 'need,' I find myself wishing that someone would give to the giver.

Yes, I have had plenty of  'let me know if you need anything"s - but lets be honest - who actually cashes those in? I mean - I've thrown them out there a TON, wishing someone would cash them in, but they never do. Maybe someone comes through for them and I don't know it. Maybe they just go without (which makes me sad)... but regardless... I  feel like no one really says "I will let you know" and means it. You don't want to make someone have to do extra just for you. Such a backwards way of thinking...although I imagine that sometimes we say it out of obligation to whatever relationship you have with that person.

I also am not a big fan of the obligatory "let me know if you need anything" either. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If you're going to feel guilty if you DON'T say it, still don't say it  <- a="" am="" and="" certain="" easy="" expected="" from="" i="" is="" it="" its="" lot="" myself="" now.="" of="" off="" people.="" right="" roll="" saying="" the="" this="" times="" to="" tongue="" u="">But if your heart isn't in it, what is the point?
I believe you should do things because your heart desires to do them, not because you think its the 'right' thing to do. Maybe, in that same situation, it is someone else's 'right thing to do' and not yours.

Which leads me to this...

From now on, I am not going to say "let me know if you need anything." Because no one is honest about it (most of the time) and then when you really need whatever 'anything' is, you don't want to ask for it. Instead, I am going to assess the situation, FIND a need that I KNOW will be there, and then execute. Getting your wisdom teeth out? I will tell you that the night before I will arrive with a pre-op hug and some chicken soup/a homemade heating pad/some italian ice/ice cream and that will be that. Odds are good that 1. you will appreciate it the next day more than you could have imagined on the day it was delivered and 2. you will be relieved that it is one less thing that you have to do and 3. you will feel cared for, loved, and taken care of even when your face feels like it was repeatedly hit with a baseball bat.