After a particularly moving church experience yesterday, I learned this: prayer at the altar stirs up your heart...and sometimes it takes a while to settle back down. I think of it like a small tide pool on a sandy beach. You can walk by, look, and even place a hand in the water and it will ripple, but still remain clear. Once you dredge the sand up from the bottom, the water becomes clouded over and the disruption causes settled things to be unsettled with things swirling about in no particular design other than chaos. Prayer at the altar is like that. Just like in that tide pool, things need time to settle back down again. As long as nothing else disturbs the mix, a little time and patience will get things back to normal.
I've given myself permission to feel conflicting emotions since I've gone ahead and dredged up muck that was stagnant and stuck to the bottom of my heart. I have allowed myself to feel flooded with peace one minute, and then shrouded with angst in the next. My hope is that this time, I will be able to keep the negative on the top SO THAT my Jesus can come and skim them away. What I want to settle into the depth of my heart are all the things that make me more like Him...all the things that help me shine His light.
While there is much more work to be done, I feel that this shake up has happened now for a particular reason. I will not allow myself to get caught up in WHY, but I will allow myself to get caught up in HOW I can have patience in the waiting for the revelation that is sure to soon come.