Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Wherever I go, You find me. . .

So......I love music. Its probably a common theme you can see if you've read through my blog posts. Its also VERRRY obvious if you know me in real life. Every song is my favorite song (its true, though!). I love lyrics a ton too. I love to see how other people process emotion. I love to connect with strangers through the words that they privately penned to a page ... and I love that those same words could be called mine.

Have you ever had a moment where you knew something because you'd heard it a million times... yet you didn't really KNOW it, as in understand it? I can't be the only one, right? Tell me that has happened to you. Its like you hear it all the time. You even probably say it, but the true meaning of it is not something that your mind had wrapped itself around.


My heart recently has been burdened by a few things. Some heavier than others, but all of them together weighing a ton more than my heart is used to carrying. I frantically sought Truth in the pages of the Word, but rarely came across anything that shouted to me. I poured through song after song after song, yet didn't find comfort in what I was hearing. Until Monday.

As I was driving in to work, a worship leader out of Bethel Church in Redding, CA was serenading our God on my behalf. I was halfheartedly listening - the other half of my heart was deeply saddened and stuck in a thought process of its own. As she sang a song that is part of my 'private stock' worship, it was as if the music faded out and her words shouted in. She proclaimed "Nothing is hidden from Your sight; Wherever I go You find me; You know every detail of my life...You are God and You don't miss a thing."

[ INSERT SOB HERE ________________ ]

El Roi - the God who sees me. Heaven broke through in that moment. This God that I love and this God that I serve KNOWS me. Me. This crazy, obsessive, strong willed, not-always-obedient, random girl He created...He KNOWS me.

UGH... that means He knows ALL of me. Even the parts I keep hidden from myself. You know - the junky stuff sometimes bubbles out of nowhere that leaves even yourself wondering where it came from? He knows all of THAT stuff too... Ugh.

I realized in this very moment a bunch of things. The first one being that I found no comfort anywhere at all until this point because I was trying to figure it out all on my own. I was trying to be the one with the answers. I was trying to rationalize with God - yet, there is no need. He knows EVERY detail. I can't hide from him... and I realized that I was trying to. Instead of resting with Him, I was wrestling with Him. Instead of confiding in Him, I was hiding from Him. I was going about it wrong.

My God knows me - and he loves me anyway. He is the God who SEES me. He sees right through me. Past the outer courts of my heart into the not-so-holy place. He sees the things I place upon the altar and He asks me to clear a lot of it away. He sees my imperfections as perfection. He sees my motivations and my mistakes. He sees me running away to hide in a corner,  holding things in my hands that I should be putting into His. . . and He loves just the same. Crazy love.

We all hide things, right? We all hide things from other people and even from ourselves. Its a crazy thought that I could even hide from Him. What I realized in this undone moment on my way to work is that I can't... and I don't want to anymore.

The truth of the matter is that God knows every detail of our lives, and yet he still pursues us as though we were sinless and spotless as He was. We cannot hide from Him. We can ignore Him, but it doesn't change his omniscience. I've decided to embrace the mess I'm in and count it all as joy (and at this, I fail DAILY). I've decided that if God deems me worth knowing so intimately that I cannot hide, then I should just surrender. I've decided that if God himself covets us just the way we are, then He is worth every sacrifice we make to honor Him.

I am grateful that God is this way for everyone. He knows us ALL. When we go to Him, we do not have to justify any thought or action - we can just go. We can just be. We can just rest, mess and all.