Saturday, November 26, 2011

Letting Go.. .

Hi friends,

In case you didn't know this, I sometimes use this blog to make sense of the thoughts that weave their way into my heart. Sometimes, these thoughts are clear and sharp - like a piece of broken glass. Other times, these thoughts are like cream when you first pour it into a steaming cup of coffee...they make a splash, swirl around at different depths and colors, and then with some encouragement, they blend into the perfect morning (or afternoon... or evening... if you're like me). Blogging usually doesn't happen on a day like today, when my thoughts are foggy at best...but I feel like if I can just write this out, it will form. I feel like my thoughts are in an egg - once I crack the shell, the rest will just ooze out.

So "Letting Go" is tonight's topics. I am convinced you're thinking about letting things go - like past hurts, regrets, hopes, dreams...those types of 'letting go' things, but I'm actually hoping to talk about letting go of whatever holds you back.

I have had three moments of total surrender - of total letting go. They were as exhausting as they were amazing. Completely and totally healing. Completely and totally transcendental. Completely and totally unexpected. Looking back, I can see the hand of God in every single one...but it was never anything I had asked for. It was a gift - a gift SO wholly holy - that I treasure each experience for what it was. It was a shattering of the last pieces of me in order to put me back together a little more complete than I was when I started.

In case you didn't know this, music moves me. Music unlocks things in my heart that I never knew existed. Music heals me, unhinges me, and reminds me. It gives me hope, gives me words where words don't exist, and fills the space in between my heart and the hearts of others. The melody, the lyrics , the push and pull of sounds .. all of that creates movement in my heart and I can't help but respond.

How does this relate to letting go? I'm not sure - but I'm going to try and fumble through it because the words I would use to explain it sound like music in my heart ... THAT in itself is a long story for another day.

I watch a lot of music on YouTube. Video after video of praise song after praise song. It is AMAZING to see how transparent and how complete these artists are when they are singing. It is not performing, but rather it is lifting the name of the Lord to a place where the angels catch it and lift it right to His throne room.. the holiest of holy places. THESE artists have let go. They are not encumbered by the the 15,000 people filling the Melbourne theater. They are not thinking about the next minutes of their song and how to end it and start the new one. They are not hindered by their own feelings of inadequacy...they simply come, worship, invite you to come along with them, and touch the hem of His garment. It's beautiful to see just how far they let go.

So why can't we do that? When the results are that beautiful, then why do we feel inadequate and impeded? Why can't we just let go? I feel like I could let go, but then when I'm just about to, I am stopped. Know who stops me? Me. Why? Because I suddenly feel incommensurate - as though I am damaged, blemished, and flawed. My mind becomes conscious of what my subconscious and the Holy Spirit want to do...and I am suddenly flooded with insecurity and thoughts that require my entire being to turn down. It's kinda like when you have the radio in your car cranked up because it's a beautiful day and you turn the car off without turning the radio down... now it's later in the day and you go to grab a coffee and you turn the car on and spend the next 5 minutes trying to get the ring out of your ears. It's that dramatic.

I don't really know how to solve this - and it is a HUGE source of frustration for me. I'm patiently waiting and fervently praying that I be able to use  myself to be a vessel like those artists are to me. One day, when I'm ready, I'm sure letting go will be as easy as holding on.

~ Love & Light ~

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Random Musings and a Prayer

Hi friends,

My heart is full of wonder at the this post may be all over the place. Wonder often makes me feel flighty and causes my thoughts to circle themselves repeatedly and ever-so-slowly instead of swirl around and occasionally intersect or pass closely by. Lots of positives and lots of 'yes' in my life right now...and it feels good.

I wrote a post (and if I knew how to link to it, I would do it now) about the most dangerous word being yes quite early on in my blogging life. I think about that post often because I believe, still, that the most dangerous word is yes. Yes. Say it with me "YES."

Yes, you can create a dream and weave your life into it. It's possible - I speak from experience. Yes, you can redefine boundaries and reach unreachable people - I speak from experience. Yes, people ARE inherently good and want to work together to spread goodness - I speak from experience. Yes, 'ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will open to you' is TRUE - I speak from recent experience and a giddy heart about this.

All we need in life are opportunities. The opportunity to make the right decision. The opportunity to make the wrong one. The opportunity to make a first impression. The opportunity to change how people perceive you. The opportunity to let your light shine so that others may see. The opportunity to hitch your wagon to a star. The opportunity to see your gifts, and the opportunity to use your gifts in a way that fulfills the deepest part of your heart. The opportunity to stand up to NO and turn it into a YES.

Psalm 37:4 comes to mind. It's pretty popular and I'd be willing to bet you've heard it before. It says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." After seeking the Lord with ALL my heart lately, he has not only revealed my desires, but reignited things that were dormant for a while.

Funny... in reading my bible tonight I came across this in Jeremiah 29:14 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." I am pretty confident that this what I've been doing. I am seeking the Lord with ALL my heart...and because I'm doing that, I have been given the opportunity to not only re-ignite the desires of my heart within myself, but also openly and freely share the desires of my heart with people who can make my "no"s turn to "yes"es...and it's all for the greater good of God.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for your mighty hand in my life. You amaze me and leave me feeling wide-eyed with wonder. Not only did you free people when you walked on this Earth, but you also freed my heart to accept the opportunity and the gifts you had waiting for me. You humble me, Lord. You reward me when I don't deserve it. You encourage me to press on and fight the good fight. You love me DESPITE me. I bow before you tonight, Jesus, and with a servant's heart, request that you direct my path. As sure as you've put your promise in my heart, I ask that you make my footing equally as sure. Turn my meekness into might for YOUR glory, Lord. I, the lowest of these, desire to lift your name above all names. Keep this desire in my heart as you reveal more and more to me. Help me shine my light for you, Lord. Without you, I fade. In Jesus' precious and holy name ... Amen ♥

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Phoenix Arising

Have you ever talked to someone and found out that they are encouraged by you just as much as you are encouraged by them? Have you ever talked to someone and found out that as much as they inspire you, you inspire them? Have you ever talked to someone and found out that they think of you just as highly as you think of them?  Have you?

There are a few people in my life that I look up to in a BIG way. People who have helped me and supported me as I journeyed to where I am today. People who have picked me up from the muck and mire and placed me on a firm rock to stand. People who believe in me even when I didn't believe in myself. There are no words on this earth to help those people understand how thankful I am for everything they have done and every sacrifice they have made for me. No words.

For the first time in my career, I have entered into the territory of mutual admiration...and I need to write about it. It's's slightly uncomfortable..but it's marvelous.

For those of you who don't know, I love what I do for work. It is one of the most fulfilling things for be able to help in any way possible. I recently had a conversation with a coworker about my desire to help (among many other things) and I felt, in my heart of hearts, that this conversation was a pivot point for me - and I can't explain exactly why. Perhaps its because it was unguarded, sincere, and honest? Perhaps because we had an honest exchange of hearts as we talked about some sticky stuff? As crazy as this sounds, the conversation sort of made me feel like a phoenix rising. I had to burn in the ash in order to be renewed. And renewed I was.

Today, I had the opportunity to speak to this very same coworker.  When we speak, she speaks with such approval for me - the same type of approval as I have for her. I hear it. It makes me feel wonder and marvel at the thought that as much respect and appreciation I have for her, she might have for me. It validates that I have made the right decisions thus far professionally and personally. I hear rusty hinges falling off old, cobwebbed doors in my heart because hope is promising to push through if I let it.

And while I realize that I have SO much growth that needs to happen between now and where I'm going, I now see that there are TRULY people who want to better other people. There are TRULY people who see the best in you and, without trying, GET the very best FROM you. This kind of thing boggles my mind. I always think that no one will think of me as highly as I think of them - that its some sort of impossibility. But there was a moment today (and still now) that I believe in my heart that it's possible. And while words fade quickly, the feelings that come with the words don't fade as fast. I'm grateful for this, and I'm holding on to them as tightly as I can.