Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I Need a Blog Topic. Go.

So...I've been in a blogging rut lately. Don't get me wrong, I've got PLENTY to say...I've just not had a minute to collect my thoughts. I've started posts and scratched them because they just wouldn't make any sense if I pushed my way through them.

In an effort to unslump myself (Name that book: "When you're in a slump, you're not in for much fun. Unslumping yourself is not easily done") I thought I would give wonderful facebook friends a chance to help me pick a topic.

I was nervous at status read "I need a blog topic. Go." and I thought I'd get a million people at once. Nope. Silly girl. You only have 150 friends on there, and you only talk to about 30 of them in real WHY would you get a million at once? Unrealistic. If you've read any of my other posts, you'll see I perpetually struggle with expectations...but I digress.

Slowly but surely the topics came in. It started like sprinkles of raindrops and then turned into thunderous pelts. My friends (you know, those in the 30 that i talk to in real life) began to give me ideas. I was FA-SCI-NA-TED (say this like Oprah does...) at the depth and breath of the topics. Here is a running list - and a reason why I decided not to write about each of them today.

1. Deliverance. A VERY personal topic for me. To write about this topic is to bring you, my readers, into a very secret place in my heart. One day, I'll do it. For now, you're fine where you are :)

2. Motherhood. Another VERY personal topic. It is an area where I feel most inadequate...most vulnerable. My heart is not feeling inadequate or vulnerable right now so it would have been a 'forced' write - but that is boring for you and torturous for me.

3. The meaning of the word HOME. Wow. Amazing topic. I could go on forever about it...but today was not the time.

4. The name Jean - which is a VERY significant name in my life. From one of my besties to my beautiful grandmother - this name carries weight, love, happiness and sadness wrapped up together in four letters. I may revisit this at some point in the very near future.

5. Stepping out - Ohhh..this was TEMPTING!!! A good one for sure. I am living proof that stepping out in faith under the direction of the Lord can reap unfathomable, yet humbling rewards. I may revisit this at some point in the very near future as well.

6. Potato puffs, sweet potato fries, and curly fries. How'd we get here?? Oh ya - I am OBVIOUSLY random and so are my friends! Oh..and I LOOOOVE potato puffs to the moon and back.

7. Get ready for this one...ready?
   You read it right. Dissection. Pigs brains, rats, rabbits, frogs... dissection. The best part about this topic though is that it can be literal and figurative. I may, in fact, also revisit this one.

SO what? So what about is the point of this blog post? The point of it is that I have some pretty amazing friends who have made some pretty amazing contributions to my life. Be it a suggestion for a blog post, babysitting, coaching, an ear to whine in, a shoulder to cry on, arms to catch me when I fall, stern-ness in love, encouragement, or a good laugh - all of these friends have helped make me who I am today. I know it sounds SO cliche, but I couldn't have made the strides I've made in my life without you (or my family...but wait? that's another post!)

Friends have a way of swooping in and saving the day at precisely the right moment. And they do it with love, grace, beauty, selflessness, and might. This kind of real, true, fully vested friends are as necessary to me as breathing. I need them. I realize at times I can be overwhelming. I can be aggressive, stubborn, anxious and needy...but what i love about you guys is that you love me anyway. In case you didn't know, this means the world to me. Without you, I'd fail. Without you, I wouldn't be able to think, act and play BIG. You love me unconditionally and by doing this, you've allowed me to love myself in the very same way.

Thank you.

Love & Light

Monday, August 8, 2011

Reality Came Crashing Down

I just went to get something down from a shelf in the coat closet and a whole bunch of pictures fell. I had forgotten they were there and I couldn't see them because the shelf is high. I indulged for a moment and looked through them. The emotion that followed was surprising to me. The emotion was sadness and a sense of loss.

Let me backtrack.

As some of you know, my oldest daughter officially has her own room. We completed the switch yesterday. While she was SUPER excited (to say the least) yesterday as we were moving things, the SUPER excited turned to a little bit nervous as bed time approached. One of the decorations I got for her new room was a pin board (you know, the fabric covered ones?). She loved it as it fed right into her 6.5 year old vanity. She immediately covered it with pictures - of herself, of course! As gathered the picture frames with her picture in it, I realized that there were older pictures behind the ones we saw. It was a trip down memory lane to see her regress in age right before our eyes. She thought it was amazing (and she certainly thought she was the cutest. baby. ever.) but me? I felt a tug of sadness.

I asked myself the question "do I remember where this picture was taken?" "Do I remember why I felt like I had to capture this moment?" "Do I remember Maya this way?" As these came up, I dismissed them because the answers to them were truth...and the truth was I didn't. Sure, some pictures I knew where it was taken, but I don't know why. The saddest part? I don't remember Maya that way.

I have distant, foggy memories of all my children when they were small. Even now, it's hard for me to picture them any other way than the way they are. I'm not talking their personality, but the way they look. Seeing these pictures of Maya and the ones that fell from the coat closet threw reality in my face. This reality is the fact that my kids, without my consent, are growing and changing right before my eyes.

I get it - this is the way it works. Years go by, we get older, we get smarter, we get bigger...but someone forgot to send me the memo that when it is OUR kids, all of this is exaggerated to a lightening speed pace.

I would do anything for one more day of Maya as an exceptionally chubby 8 month old - willing to laugh at any silly face in front of her. I would trade years off my life for one more day of Avery's way-too-wise eyes of a 4 month old to flutter off to sleep in my arms. I covet one more day of seeing Edie as a baby, staring at her sisters in awe and flashing that all-too-cheesy toothless grin. Anything.

What has all of this taught me?

It's taught  me that playing play-doh, although it's my LEAST favorite thing in the world, is what matters. It's allowing the kids to help me stir the cookie mix even though I know more will end up on the counter than in the bowl. It's to go mental with the garden hose just because it's hot and we have a change of clothes just steps away. It's to memorize the sound of their laughter, the sparkles in their eyes, and the feeling of their ever-growing-very-dense bodies in my arms as we snuggle. It's to be able to close my eyes and picture them as they are, as they were and as they will be.

I realize this is nothing new to women who have children. I figure every Mom has gone though this at one point. I suppose my reality  hit me today - in the form of falling pictures from a too-high shelf. It didn't hurt my body, but it sure did hurt my heart.

Love & Light