Won Me Over

Sometimes... well, more often than not really... I connect with songs - and I know I'm not the only one. If you're like me, our response is primal - it seems stitched and sewn into each pore. It resounds in our hearts like the echoing sounds of a gong - sailing soundlessly across space and fading, yet always leaving a memory behind. For me - and for some of you I'm sure - it's not just the melody that surrounds us, but also the words that melt their way into the mold of the music. The brilliance of the lyricist brings the magic of the composer to life - and a perfect and inspirational piece of art is formed.

I tend to understand and process things through music. Music is my memories. Music is my very present help. Music is validation that I'm headed in the right direction or way off the path. Music, my friends, is due north on my compass.

As I face trials, and we ALL do, I use music as an escape. I allow my mind reprieve by focusing only on the words and often times tuning out the words and letting the melody become a part of the moment. On this particular day, in this particular moment, Franklin (my iPod touch) decided to put on a song that was full of joy even though, in this particular moment, my heart was not. But since I was too lazy to switch the song, I decided to focus on the lyrics. Lyrics I've listened to a thousand times...yet they proved to be lyrics I've never HEARD. They went a little something like this:

"Was on the run, a road that I ruined,
chasing a lie I thought I believed in
Don't know why I do what I do"

~Audrey Assad, Won Me Over

OHHH friends... to be cliche, it hit me like a ton of bricks! But instead of making this specifically about me, I think we can all relate.

How many times have you been on a path - one that you stay on because it's easier than turning back and facing what you left. One that you stay on because the road is too crumbly and destructed to be able to weather the journey back - and besides? who wants to return to what you were running from? It's easier to run - although its WAY more self destructive to run. Does it ever solve anything? Not permanently...Is it worth it? Well, you believe that at first, but eventually you see the light. It's easy to do what feels 'normal,' but much harder to do what feels right.

How many times do we make decisions based on feelings alone? And when we do, and we realize that it was the wrong one or there was a  better or more fulfilling one - how does that make us feel. How does it feel when something you USED to believe in suddenly becomes foreign to you and feels more and more wrong and uncomfortable every day?

 Friends, I don't have the answer for all of you - but I can tell you that my answer for myself is you change it. You walk arm in arm with God and as you hold the lamp at your feet, you trust Him to guide every single step. You lean on the Word and press in to prayer. You look back at the crumbly road and see it for what it is - decaying, old, deteriorated, defeated - and you accept the fact that roads built on chasing lies are not meant to withstand the elements. You simply look ahead or side to side and find the next road - the next path that God wants for you. He will reveal the way to go - but only if you trust Him one step at a time.

I choose trust. I choose faith. I choose hope. . . and Jesus? I choose You. I choose Your Word above mine, Your will above mine, Your leading above mine, Your steps in front of mine, Your power above my self, Your promises above my weak heart, and Your faithfulness above my inability to understand. I encourage you all to do the same.

I've Been Thinking...

Hey blog friends!!

It's been a while - I know. My fingers have been itching to graze the keys on my laptop in order to write to you for a while now, but life as I  know it has escaped me as of late. It seems the more crowded my mind is, the faster time goes ... or is it the faster time goes, the more crowded my mind is? I don't know - nor will I ever - so I'll let it go.

I know you're waiting for it - my famous last words - "I've been thinking..." <--- so there you have it. I've been thinking, a LOT lately... I know, I know - you're thinking that I say that ALL the time - and you'd be correct. When I think and have coherent, sticky thoughts, I feel the need to blog - hence the reason you always hear me 'say' "Ive been thinking..." So here I am - with thoughts - and in no particular order of importance, here they are:

I love when you meet people and you're accidental friends. By this I mean there is something in you that roots in them and grows in an unlikely place. I have a friend like this - and I marvel at the thought that she would even call me friend. Now you ALL know I don't struggle with self-worth, but even I tend to second guess mySELF at times - yet she, in her beauty and open heart, never second guesses ME or our friendship. In fact, it seems she embraces it and welcomes it and accepts it. She acknowledges that it has grown in an unlikely place - and yet she continues to visit this garden we've seeded, watered, and watched bloom. The simplicity of it amazes me, the complexity of it is beautiful to me, the unspoken and spoken words that fertilize the soil continue to produce beautiful blossoms despite the alternating frigidity and warmth in the air. Every time I leave her, I shake  my head and pinch my arm and feel grateful that she'll walk arm and arm with me despite the random prickers and thorns.

In my heart, I've made a decision. Well, my whole adult-life I've been contemplating an idea. One that I never thought possible despite people urging and pleading with me to pursue it. One that I wasn't sure I was talented enough to pull off. But my AMAZING Pastor preached a sermon that pre-heated the oven that is my heart and this idea baked - and baked to perfection. Now there is much, much more to the story than that, but what you need to know is that there is NO other time in my life that I've been so sure of what I need to do. None. No other. So many things point to this - too many to blog about :) But just know that I am being "strong and courageous. I am not being discouraged...because I know that the Lord MY God is with me wherever I go." I also know that He is in whatever I do with this because my intention is to glorify His holy and righteous name.

Let's see....It's been a month - surely I've got more to tell you??

Oh - well, this may be a little cryptic as I have to be cautious because this IS a public place...but let's see how well I can do. I've learned a very valuable lesson about myself recently. If you know me in 'real life,' you know that I am a passionate person. If I believe in it, I BELIEVE in it. If I'm fired up by it, I am FIRED UP by it. It's part of my makeup. I suppose at one point, I didn't really understand it and I saw it as a burden - I saw it as a reason why so many people didn't understand ME. As I've reached *ahem* old age maturity in my 30's, I realize that this is actually a gift! It's taken me about a year to truly and wholly accept and acknowledge a few things about myself - and for real? It's made me LIKE myself even more!!! If you faithfully read my blog, I've written a little about this before - about being unapologetically me (read it here), but this is a little more than that.

I believe that God gives us gifts and abilities ( topic I'm PUMPED FOR LIFE about, but I'll save it for another time). I believe with my ENTIRE being, that one of the gifts He's given me is the gift of passion. I actually don't understand people who don't have passion. I don't understand how some people don't feel like their heart will explode, or maybe that they truly prefer to sit middle-of-the-road...but God shapes us all as He will. Well, for a minute there, I was thinking that my passion was a burden, not a gift. I know that it can be misunderstood - I know it can come across VERY strong...but I also know that people with passion have an ace in their back pocket. They can push and excel and get results. They can take risks and dare to dream simply because their passion drives them forward. How do I know this? Well, because I've accepted this part of me - embraced it, really. I refuse to be weighed down by it even when people want me to stuff it down. I refuse to be anyone except who I am - and if that means taking chances and putting myself out there- then so be it. God gifted me this for a purpose - and I will not waste it. Absolutely not.

I've got so much more to say - TONS more, really, but I'll leave you instead with this encouragement:

I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Psalm 16:8

He only is my Rock and my Salvation; He is my Defense and my Fortress, I shall not be moved. Psalm 62:6

A 3 Dimensional View

HA! As I was sitting here, thinking about crafting this post, I was struck with the title. It made me laugh right out loud. Forgive me for being boastful, but I LOVE IT when the little brain I have is able to produce something clever. The title here makes PERFECT sense - and you'll see why if you continue to read.

Whether you know this from reading my blog or from knowing me in real life, I have spent the last 6 or so weeks fasting Facebook. In addition to fasting it, I have been doing a '40 Days in the Word' challenge at church. It is an AWESOME program about different study methods that you can use while reading the bible. It's not just all about reading and letting the Holy Spirit guide you (although that works!), it's about carving time and space in your day and your heart to sit and meditate and pull apart the wisdom and beauty that you find there. As Pastor Dave says, this book is the ONLY book that you can ask the author questions as you're reading it and can also get answers :)

So - as a result of this 'challenge,' I have been in the word more. There were some suggested readings for our 'homework' but being the classic over-achiever, I always wanted to read more. I actually CRAVED reading more. When I learn something new, I want to keep doing it over and over and over until it becomes boring - and then I want to find something else to do over and over and over ... I'm sure you catch my drift.

Well.

In the past 6 weeks or so, I have been blown away by a new found understanding I have about Jesus. BLOWN. AWAY. There is a song that plays on the radio that says "My God is not dead, He is surely alive!" and every time I heard it (before), I would think that yes, yes He is alive in my heart ... but I never GOT it. Oh friends, I've GOT it now and I'm holding tight.

Throughout the readings we've had to do, I've spent a LOT of time with Jesus. With His bolded, red words telling me parables and truths that most of the time require me to think VERY hard; yet at other times cause my spirit to soar with the hope I find there. What I have never, ever, EVER realized, is just how emotional Jesus was. He is SO much more emotional than I ever saw before.

Go with me. In my mind, God is love (1 John 4:8), and Jesus is part of the trinity that IS God and the Holy Spirit and Jesus all in one. Three in one. Three dimensions of the same being (hence the blog post title!!! HA!) YET each serving a purpose YET each existing because the other ones do YET encompassing ALL power and ALL glory and ALL mercy. I could go on and on and on. But the point of this is, that in my mind, Jesus was ALWAYS love. When I think of Him, that is what I see. Love. And while I know He is MORE than that, I never really saw it.. until my time in the word.

Jesus was MUCH more emotional and complex than I thought. What started me off on this was when I was in Matthew 21:12 where Jesus clears the temple. He "drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned tables ... " Clearly, he gets angry - or perhaps anger is a strong word for that emotion - maybe frustrated? He OVERTURNED tables! He drove people out (which I'm sure he didn't do by asking politely and smiling). This king sent to earth to save ME, was acting... well... human? Go to this scripture. Read it. Mediate on it. This is Jesus in his MOST human form. Dealing with the emotion that so many of us have to battle on a daily basis.

Another thing I found was that Jesus grieved. Another VERY strong human emotion. When He was in the garden of Gethsemane, He said (Matthew 26:37-39) "³⁷ He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. ³⁸ Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will." Jesus knew the PROMISE of heaven. He KNEW it because all things He could see so could His Father God. He innately understood the HOPE of heaven - He knew the riches there. YET he STILL grieved? This was Jesus in his MOST human form. Desiring life, yet knowing that His life would save mine. 

One of the best things I found was that Jesus was truly honorable. I spent some time in prayer over Matthew 26-27 this Easter season, (the death and resurrection) and Matthew 26:10-13 jumped out at me and screamed just HOW honorable Jesus was. Jesus says “Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me.The poor you will always have with you,but you will not always have me. When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. Truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.” Jesus wants to honor this woman (who is Lazarus' sister Mary) by using her example of worship to represent what is true, noble, and right. Jesus wants to honor her... I keep saying it and reading it and being blown away by it. If Jesus wants to honor her, how much MORE would he want to honor us? We should be at his feet. We should be doting on His word just as she had the privilege of doing to his flesh. We should be sitting with Him, worshipping Him, cleansing our hearts through Him... all the things she did. He chooses to honor her. We need to honor Him.

See friends, our God is ALIVE. When He was alive (in Jesus), He was human - and though he was (super)human, He was still able to live a fully righteous life FULL of trial and tribulation. What a responsibility He had. Imagine, shouldering the salvation of the world on your shoulders ... and having the help of 12 other men to get the word out before it was too late. Imagine, the weight of his human-ness bearing down hard against the Truth He knew was awaiting Him in heaven - despite KNOWING for SURE where He came from and where He was going, He STILL fought back panic and grieved. Just imagine...

I still stand in awe of His sacrifice, friends. I still stand in awe of the courage it took and the trust it took for Jesus to take the blame. I still stand in humbled adoration, covered by the blood...and my thoughts repeatedly sigh 'what can I do, Lord...what can I do that would EVER equate to Your contribution to my life.'  And in the still of His presence, the peace He gives me answers my heart is seeking for.

A Beacon

In the middle of the spotted sleep I tend to get every night, I am often inspired. Random thoughts here, random thoughts there...but rarely am I ever driven to actually get up (at 2:30 a.m.) and write it down...Last night I was, but I didn't get up. As a result, I could not sleep a WINK because I was overwhelmed with a vision...and the feeling that I needed to write this out has not left me all day...so I'm heeding to the 'call' to get this on 'paper'... Follow me.

Here is what I remember:

It was night time - the pitch black kind. No stars in the sky. The wind was as relentless as my worry. I was waiting - watching - unsure for whom or what. I can't remember if it was raining or if what I felt was a spray from the stormy sea. There was a HUGE cliff to the left of me, it's jagged silhouette murderously cutting the waves; being sure to assert it's dominance over the fierceness of the ocean. I stood on wet sand - it was firm beneath my feet. The shells showed no mercy as the wind had her way with them. I was cold, and full of anticipation. I remember the angry smell of the ocean - turned inside out and upside down; as unsettled as my thoughts. I was completely alone. No car behind me. No people beside me. Alone.

Luckily enough, there was a lighthouse built on rock right in front of me. The stack of rocks that it was built on was high enough that not even the acerbic waves could reach it. I found myself concentrating in the dark to see if I could tell if the beacon was moving.

As though my thoughts themselves were pushing the light around in the lantern room, I felt assured that the beacon would find me soon - even though my impatience caused time to slow to a snails pace. I thought about pacing the short shoreline because I thought that perhaps if I moved, time would also...but I was firmly planted. I remember clasping my hands together and holding tight to the hope I knew was coming.

In the way that only 'dreams' can, the next part happened in slow-motion, fast-forward. The beacon light was getting ready to pass 1:00 when suddenly it started to move faster and faster like it had gained momentum because it was heading down hill. As it passed through the pitch black, I saw people. Some of the people were crowded together, others were individually placed, ALL of them I knew.

I remember being able to know each one by name - even the ones in the crowd. I saw people I love now, people I've loved before, and people who have left me and moved to the place where Love has been fully revealed to them. I felt SO comforted by this...I knew that even though it seemed I was alone all along, I truly wasn't. I had these people who were WITH me, who were and ARE a part of me, who have become a piece of the fabric that has stitched up my quilted heart. The flood of hope that this brought my soul was indescribable. To know that a little light could reveal a changeable truth.

When the beacon rounded the next corner, it stopped on me. My logical mind felt as though I had to shade my eyes because a light that can steer a ship into safe harbor would most certainly NOT be a light that my mortal eyes could see. But I was wrong. This light was beauty - it was all colors and none. It was a symphony with a resounding chorus, and a moment in the back of a church where a widow mourns in silence. It was my past, my present, and my future. As this light rested on me, I felt possibility, peace, and immeasurable gratitude.

When I 'awoke,' I remembered a scripture: Isaiah 42:6-7 " I, the LORD, have called you to demonstrate my righteousness. I will guard and support you, for I have given you to my people as the personal confirmation of my covenant with them. And you will be a light to guide all nations to me. You will open the eyes of the blind and free the captives from prison. You will release those who sit in dark dungeons." It dawned on me - this vision I had was a LITERAL interpretation of this scripture!!!

I stood in the spot I was placed. I stood in waiting. And my 'awake' self would have been scared to even be where I was in my 'vision,' but my unconscious self stood there, guarded and supported by the people who were there, but who were not revealed to me until I was ready to flee. These people - my friends and family - were a personal confirmation of love and support in a dark and anxious time. Then the light came...it came and it WAS the light that guides the nations --> the nation was the league of friends and family that were there. I know, I know...this all sounds crazy...and I wish that I were better at explaining this part... but I know that I know that I know that this came NOW for a reason...although I am unsure what the reason is at this very moment...

If you've read this far, you deserve a round of applause!!! Thank you ... and for my faithful friends (old and new!) and family, thank you for everything.
~Dina

In Which I Call Myself Out. . . .#embarrassed

I've been thinking...

As a few of you may know, I am currently fasting Facebook...and I talk about it. Often. Truth be told, I miss it. Desperately. I want nothing more than to log in and see what everyone is doing. I feel like a little kid who is told to go to bed but REALLY wants to stay up because the ordinary can turn to extraordinary at any given second.

My original reason was to fast the FB because I wanted to prepare my heart for Easter. I figured I would use the 'extra' time I had to get in the word more, or pray more, or do 'good.' (And yes, if you're wondering, I just admitted that I spend THAT much time on FB that giving it up translates to extra time in my day...). Like most of my good intentions, I have failed. Epically (<-- is that even a word?)

This scripture keeps coming up, around, and through me...Matthew 6:16-18  ¹⁶"When you fast, do not look somber as the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. ¹⁷But when you fast, put oil on your head and wash your face, ¹⁸so that it will not be obvious to men that you are fasting, but only to your Father, who is unseen; and your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."  Up. Around. Through. I knew about this scripture - have for a while. When I am fasting in other ways, I follow this - no one would ever know... but for some (dumb) reason, I have exempt myself from this for FB. Ewwww... Gone against the words of Jesus (this IS a gospel message...) for Facebook? What the HECK?

Ashamed and disgusted are probably the first two words that come to mind. Not only have I NOT spent any additional time in the word or prayer, but I have also presented myself as a hypocrite??!? Trust  me when I tell you this is NOT a 'woe is me' post...but more its a post where myself is calling myself OUT on this whole thing...even though my 'self' is acutely aware.

So what is the point of fasting something when you are not fulfilling the INTENTION  of the fast? What is the point? So in my case, spending more time playing games on my iPad OR blogging is ok, but FB is not? Isn't that just this for that?

Ashamed and disgusted...yet here I am, blogging away...

My Pastor is starting a course on Thursday night "40 days in the Word" and when I first found out about it, I was SUPEREXCITED!! I have been desperate for something like this - something structured and 'tutorial.' Not that I can't/don't know how to read my bible, but if you know me, you know this is RIGHT up my alley. In hindsight, the reason I am so excited about it is because by doing it and following it, I am actually DOING what I intended on doing in the first place during this sacred season...My prayer is that this 'study' will truly take over my lack-of-FB-made-up-for-via-iPad-games balderdash. So if I don't post much, know I am fulfilling my promise to 'get ready' for Easter - because if there is ANYONE and ANY time to get ready for, it is Him and now.

Words . . .

Sometimes they are just words. Words that make sound to fill the silence of the space between insignificant thoughts. Words that run into each other to try and cover up nervous butterflies. Words that have no meaning when linked together - like pink shine & thunderous  (or do they ... ;)  )  Words can sometimes JUST be words.

But words can sometimes JUST be MORE than words themselves. They can speak life, they can speak truth, they can speak hatred and spite.  They can build up and empower...or they can break down and belittle. Words, my friends, are powerful in and of themselves. Words have the power to motivate...or destroy.

If I say to you "worthy" you MAY agree you are, or you may shake your head and quiet the whisper in your heart that says you're not. It may have filled you with hope or longing. It may have revealed a truth to you - to a part of you that has been camouflaged but ready to break free.

If I say to you "no" you MAY agree that was the right thing to say given the circumstances you are in. You may be upset I said it to you. You may feel relieved because I gave you permission to NOT do something you were hesitant about doing. Perhaps indifference is the response because my opinion doesn't matter anyway ...

In my life, words have been a very powerful thing. I write them. I say them. I wish I could take them back at times. I regret them. I love them. I appreciate them. I am grateful for them. I don't have them - and sometimes I do. Most often though, I think I take them for granted.

In conversation today, someone quoted something I said to them. Something, that at the time seemed appropriate - but irrelevant. In fact, I forgot I even said these words until they were brought back to the surface. In hindsight, I realize how powerful these words were. How they spoke truth in his life. How they encouraged him when he was in an incorrigible place. At the time, I didn't understand the power these specific words held. Now, I am beholden to their authenticity in a life changing moment.

My most favorite thing of all about words is the simple complexity that they hold. The simplest thing can cause a cascade of complex thoughts - each person having those thoughts explore different perspectives, reaching a different conclusion depending on the path their hearts took.

My prayer for you today is that you will always remember how powerful words can be. Remember that the intention behind the word is just as strong. Remember that some words are double-edged swords that can cause irreparable damage. Remember that most words spoken come from your heart - and they will reflect the attitude that resides there.

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." Hebrews 4:12 

It Is You...

Hi friends...Out of anything I've ever posted, this is giving me the most hesitation... Not that a lot of you read my blog (by ANY stretch!) but this seems to be the most personal thing I've ever posted on here. Funny thing is, I've posted a LOT of personal things!!

I recently had a bunch of 'writing' bubble up from a secret place that my heart sought out and found...and I think they're meant to be songs. I'm not entirely sure...but there seems to be a faint, haunting melody that comes along with each of them. I actually have a few times this has happened recently...weird.

The one that I have posted below was inspired the other night after I read through Psalm 57... The Psalm is about His faithfulness, help and love in times of trouble. So... before I chicken out, here it is!!!!


It is You

Verse 1:
My stirring soul awakens the dawn,
Quiet thoughts bustle and then they're gone;
Replaced by music my heart can dwell on,
It is You.

Chorus:
Your hands, Your heart, Your sacrifice
You, who paid the highest price
To rescue me - the least of these -
I give you my life

Verse 2:
My heart is steadfast, I rejoice in your name,
Humbled, at your feet - it is You I proclaim
Be exalted, O God, above all the earth
Only You remain the same!

Bridge:
One hand to guide me, the other to hold;
One hand to catch me when all else unfolds;
One hand to rest my weary soul...Safe in the arms of my Savior


Chorus 2/Ending:
My hands, my heart, my sacrifice;
For You, no matter what the price,
You rescued me - brought me to my knees,
I promised you my life...
Yes, Lord...I promise you my life.