Reconnect the Disconnect

"Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us into pieces, but He will heal us." Hosea 6:1

To be honest, I have been feeling a bit disconnected lately. Not from specific people, but from most everyone and everything. At times it feels like my prayers are just bouncing off the clouds, ricocheting right back down like a lightening bolt to my heart - despite the fact that my prayers are thunderous in sound and span many miles in width. Lately, I repeatedly hear God's quiet voice whisper something I don't quite understand ... and the clouds that were clearing in my heart suddenly gather and produce monsoon-like rain; leaving me with knees to the muddy earth and arms stretched out to catch the last shattered pieces.

I say go. He says stop. I say run. He says be still. I say hear me. He says listen. I say now. He says later. I beg please. He says pray. I implore. He is silent. I surrender. He swoops in. I am safe.

I have concluded that God will put obstacles in your life that cause frustration, anger or hurt...and He does this so we can realize that the path we are on is the wrong one. It forces us to re-examine ourselves and rely on Him to get on the right path.

I find comfort in the fact that when I step out and do what I think is right, He is still there: "Nevertheless, I am continuously with thee" Psalm 73:23. I fail. Daily. I rush ahead of Him. Daily. I step out of His will. Daily. I am grateful that His mercies are new every morning because without that, I would surely have no hope.

These past few months have been a challenge. I fight a daily struggle between what I am doing and what I SHOULD be doing. What I am finding is that discord is more prevalent than peace in what used to be a big positive in my life. What I am finding is that I am less and less satisfied with the temporary trappings of this world, and desiring more and more of the things I cannot see. I feel as though the world is flying by me at the speed of light, but yet, I can't seem to grab the arm of anyone rushing by to ask them where I am or where I'm going. I can't look ahead or aside of me because it makes me dizzy. I can only look up.

In a season like I'm in - a season of uncertainty of direction, a season of possibilities, a season of mistrust, disgust and frustration, I can only look up. God has put me here - not as punishment - but as a gentle reminder that I can ONLY do ALL things through Him. Not on my own, but through Him. He directs my steps. My prayer has been to put me in a place where His light can shine through me - where the gifts He has blessed me with can illuminate even the darkest places. I'm waiting. It's coming. I'm ready. It's taking too long.

For my dear friends who are also in a season, I say "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of all mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God" II Corinthians 1:3-4. When we hide, deny, or ignore our hurt or pain,we are denying the possibility of God comforting us. He wants to directly comfort us in our affliction - He wants us to look UP. Not away. Not at our bank accounts or who has what. Up. He also wants us to receive this comfort, be blessed by it, and bless others with it. Bless them with words and simple conversation. Bless them with the love of Jesus. Bless them by your example of grace and trust.

Disconnected. The word is "disconnected" in feeling if that makes sense to you. Sometimes I just want to yell STOP or WAIT because I have no idea about what is around me. Sometimes I just want to go ahead and do what I want to do and not care about what He wants me to do. Sometimes I look to the side of me and then to the other side, and then down the road and over 'there' (wherever that is) and think that it is, for sure, better. The side, down, or over there may in fact BE better...but should we be worried about being better...or should we be worried about being on the path that God created for us before we were knit together in our mother's womb? Being on that path isn't always 'better'...but it is always right.

My prayer today is that for those of you who feel like I do, that you join me in praying that the veil over our lives be lifted. Jesus tore the veil FOR us, yet, we seem to always hide behind it. Jesus is the answer. Jesus shed his blood so we wouldn't HAVE to feel disconnected or shrouded in despair. While we don't choose to feel the way we do, we have to remember even in the thunderous rain that stings like thorns, it was Jesus who wore the crown of thorns so we could even have a life full of options and faith in what's to come. And as disconnected as I feel, I choose to believe that Jesus' hand is in all of it and I trust that He will direct my path. All I need to do step away from myself and step forward into His arms.

With my voice I cry out to the Lord; with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord. I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him. When my spirit faints within me, you know my way! Look to the right and see: there is none who takes notice of me; no refuge remains to me; no one cares for my soul. I cry to you, O Lord; I say, “You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.”

Psalm 142:1-5

Thank You For Being A Friend

Hi friends.

I'm writing with nothing in mind today. My mind is too full to speak on any one specific thing. My hope is that by writing a little of this and a little of that, I will be able to start forming coherent, deep, and full thought... sort of like bleeding the brakes on a car (can you tell I'm married to a mechanic?)

Let's see... where to begin. Somewhere and see where it goes, you say? Ok.

The other day, I was laughing and the sound of it caught me off guard. I laugh often...but for some reason, this laughter sound different - more true, more real, more genuine. Not that I fake laugh, BUT, sometimes you laugh from the orders of your brain. Other times, such as happened the other day, you laugh from the orders of your heart. Apparently, I've been using my brain too much when it comes to laughter because the sound of it sort of surprised me. I know I can't be the only one that has noticed this before...I wondered who was laughing - and then I realized it was me. Again - I laugh often, but sometimes it just comes from a different place.

Speaking of coming from a different place...let's talk friendship, shall we?

I find that I have a few good friends. I know there are at least three people that I could call and at the drop of a hat, those three people would support me, love me, help me, guide me, talk me down, and celebrate with me. It is sincere, genuine, and easy to be with them. Nothing is forced. Boundaries are nonexistent because it is hard to say when one ends and the other begins. I am SO grateful for my friends like this. I try to tell them as often as I can, but I'm afraid it's not often enough. They talk me down from myself, they buy me gifts just because, they take the time to celebrate with me, and they ask me how I'm doing - and take the opportunity to look in my eyes into my heart to see if I'm being truthful in my answer. These friends will never be 'seasonal' ..

BUT what about those seasonal friends?

It's a topic on my heart lately. Everyone's got em'. Those friends that float in and out of our lives 'for a season' and only after they are gone we realize WHY they were put there in the first place. For me, if a friend is going to be seasonal, I'd rather not, thankyouverymuch. Know why? Cause seasonal friends hurt. Seasonal friends celebrate with you if you are celebrating but never are the first ones to throw streamers. Seasonal friends ask how you're doing, and try to look in your eyes to see your heart, but the mirror in their eyes seems to reflect the wall that is always up. Seasonal friends have boundaries and it is easy to tell when one ends and the other begins. While I enjoy the seasons of the year, I do not enjoy how quickly they pass. It's the same with seasonal friendships. Seasonal friendships hurt even if they start out with good intentions.

So what does this all mean?

If you meet someone worth of being called 'friend,' then you should love them as wide and as deep and as openly as you can. Friendships are not to be taken lightly. Friendships are not one way. Friendships are the thread that God uses to stitch love, laughter, hope, and trust into the fabric of our heart. If I call you friend, then this is what I believe. If you call me friend, you already knew everything in this post.

Love & Light
~Dina

Letting Go.. .

Hi friends,

In case you didn't know this, I sometimes use this blog to make sense of the thoughts that weave their way into my heart. Sometimes, these thoughts are clear and sharp - like a piece of broken glass. Other times, these thoughts are like cream when you first pour it into a steaming cup of coffee...they make a splash, swirl around at different depths and colors, and then with some encouragement, they blend into the perfect morning (or afternoon... or evening... if you're like me). Blogging usually doesn't happen on a day like today, when my thoughts are foggy at best...but I feel like if I can just write this out, it will form. I feel like my thoughts are in an egg - once I crack the shell, the rest will just ooze out.

So "Letting Go" is tonight's topics. I am convinced you're thinking about letting things go - like past hurts, regrets, hopes, dreams...those types of 'letting go' things, but I'm actually hoping to talk about letting go of whatever holds you back.

I have had three moments of total surrender - of total letting go. They were as exhausting as they were amazing. Completely and totally healing. Completely and totally transcendental. Completely and totally unexpected. Looking back, I can see the hand of God in every single one...but it was never anything I had asked for. It was a gift - a gift SO wholly holy - that I treasure each experience for what it was. It was a shattering of the last pieces of me in order to put me back together a little more complete than I was when I started.

In case you didn't know this, music moves me. Music unlocks things in my heart that I never knew existed. Music heals me, unhinges me, and reminds me. It gives me hope, gives me words where words don't exist, and fills the space in between my heart and the hearts of others. The melody, the lyrics , the push and pull of sounds .. all of that creates movement in my heart and I can't help but respond.

How does this relate to letting go? I'm not sure - but I'm going to try and fumble through it because the words I would use to explain it sound like music in my heart ... THAT in itself is a long story for another day.

I watch a lot of music on YouTube. Video after video of praise song after praise song. It is AMAZING to see how transparent and how complete these artists are when they are singing. It is not performing, but rather it is lifting the name of the Lord to a place where the angels catch it and lift it right to His throne room.. the holiest of holy places. THESE artists have let go. They are not encumbered by the the 15,000 people filling the Melbourne theater. They are not thinking about the next minutes of their song and how to end it and start the new one. They are not hindered by their own feelings of inadequacy...they simply come, worship, invite you to come along with them, and touch the hem of His garment. It's beautiful to see just how far they let go.

So why can't we do that? When the results are that beautiful, then why do we feel inadequate and impeded? Why can't we just let go? I feel like I could let go, but then when I'm just about to, I am stopped. Know who stops me? Me. Why? Because I suddenly feel incommensurate - as though I am damaged, blemished, and flawed. My mind becomes conscious of what my subconscious and the Holy Spirit want to do...and I am suddenly flooded with insecurity and thoughts that require my entire being to turn down. It's kinda like when you have the radio in your car cranked up because it's a beautiful day and you turn the car off without turning the radio down... now it's later in the day and you go to grab a coffee and you turn the car on and spend the next 5 minutes trying to get the ring out of your ears. It's that dramatic.

I don't really know how to solve this - and it is a HUGE source of frustration for me. I'm patiently waiting and fervently praying that I be able to use  myself to be a vessel like those artists are to me. One day, when I'm ready, I'm sure letting go will be as easy as holding on.

~ Love & Light ~

Random Musings and a Prayer

Hi friends,

My heart is full of wonder at the moment...so this post may be all over the place. Wonder often makes me feel flighty and causes my thoughts to circle themselves repeatedly and ever-so-slowly instead of swirl around and occasionally intersect or pass closely by. Lots of positives and lots of 'yes' in my life right now...and it feels good.

I wrote a post (and if I knew how to link to it, I would do it now) about the most dangerous word being yes quite early on in my blogging life. I think about that post often because I believe, still, that the most dangerous word is yes. Yes. Say it with me "YES."

Yes, you can create a dream and weave your life into it. It's possible - I speak from experience. Yes, you can redefine boundaries and reach unreachable people - I speak from experience. Yes, people ARE inherently good and want to work together to spread goodness - I speak from experience. Yes, 'ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will open to you' is TRUE - I speak from recent experience and a giddy heart about this.

All we need in life are opportunities. The opportunity to make the right decision. The opportunity to make the wrong one. The opportunity to make a first impression. The opportunity to change how people perceive you. The opportunity to let your light shine so that others may see. The opportunity to hitch your wagon to a star. The opportunity to see your gifts, and the opportunity to use your gifts in a way that fulfills the deepest part of your heart. The opportunity to stand up to NO and turn it into a YES.

Psalm 37:4 comes to mind. It's pretty popular and I'd be willing to bet you've heard it before. It says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." After seeking the Lord with ALL my heart lately, he has not only revealed my desires, but reignited things that were dormant for a while.

Funny... in reading my bible tonight I came across this in Jeremiah 29:14 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." I am pretty confident that this what I've been doing. I am seeking the Lord with ALL my heart...and because I'm doing that, I have been given the opportunity to not only re-ignite the desires of my heart within myself, but also openly and freely share the desires of my heart with people who can make my "no"s turn to "yes"es...and it's all for the greater good of God.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for your mighty hand in my life. You amaze me and leave me feeling wide-eyed with wonder. Not only did you free people when you walked on this Earth, but you also freed my heart to accept the opportunity and the gifts you had waiting for me. You humble me, Lord. You reward me when I don't deserve it. You encourage me to press on and fight the good fight. You love me DESPITE me. I bow before you tonight, Jesus, and with a servant's heart, request that you direct my path. As sure as you've put your promise in my heart, I ask that you make my footing equally as sure. Turn my meekness into might for YOUR glory, Lord. I, the lowest of these, desire to lift your name above all names. Keep this desire in my heart as you reveal more and more to me. Help me shine my light for you, Lord. Without you, I fade. In Jesus' precious and holy name ... Amen ♥

Phoenix Arising

Have you ever talked to someone and found out that they are encouraged by you just as much as you are encouraged by them? Have you ever talked to someone and found out that as much as they inspire you, you inspire them? Have you ever talked to someone and found out that they think of you just as highly as you think of them?  Have you?

There are a few people in my life that I look up to in a BIG way. People who have helped me and supported me as I journeyed to where I am today. People who have picked me up from the muck and mire and placed me on a firm rock to stand. People who believe in me even when I didn't believe in myself. There are no words on this earth to help those people understand how thankful I am for everything they have done and every sacrifice they have made for me. No words.

For the first time in my career, I have entered into the territory of mutual admiration...and I need to write about it. It's new..it's slightly uncomfortable..but it's marvelous.

For those of you who don't know, I love what I do for work. It is one of the most fulfilling things for me...to be able to help in any way possible. I recently had a conversation with a coworker about my desire to help (among many other things) and I felt, in my heart of hearts, that this conversation was a pivot point for me - and I can't explain exactly why. Perhaps its because it was unguarded, sincere, and honest? Perhaps because we had an honest exchange of hearts as we talked about some sticky stuff? As crazy as this sounds, the conversation sort of made me feel like a phoenix rising. I had to burn in the ash in order to be renewed. And renewed I was.

Today, I had the opportunity to speak to this very same coworker.  When we speak, she speaks with such approval for me - the same type of approval as I have for her. I hear it. It makes me feel wonder and marvel at the thought that as much respect and appreciation I have for her, she might have for me. It validates that I have made the right decisions thus far professionally and personally. I hear rusty hinges falling off old, cobwebbed doors in my heart because hope is promising to push through if I let it.

And while I realize that I have SO much growth that needs to happen between now and where I'm going, I now see that there are TRULY people who want to better other people. There are TRULY people who see the best in you and, without trying, GET the very best FROM you. This kind of thing boggles my mind. I always think that no one will think of me as highly as I think of them - that its some sort of impossibility. But there was a moment today (and still now) that I believe in my heart that it's possible. And while words fade quickly, the feelings that come with the words don't fade as fast. I'm grateful for this, and I'm holding on to them as tightly as I can.

Worth

So... I had a very interesting conversation today... the second conversation in as many weeks when I know that the person I was talking to was TRULY understanding me. Yes, I talk in circles. Yes, I justify answers with 'I just know it'...and I realize that just because I 'know' something, doesn't make it credible...but there is something so spectacular when you truly speak to someone, and you speak right into their heart. And even if that person is far removed from the things you stand on, they still hear you as though you were built from the same foundation.

The topic of 'worth' has been on fire in my heart lately. It is a word that holds so much boldness and hope, yet so much fragility at the same time. When people think about how much they are worth, they normally equate it to finances, right? And while if you are calculating your net-worth this is true, BUT you can be penniless and have more worth than the most filthy rich person in the whole world.

Worth applies in the working world. Worth applies at home. Worth applies among friendships. Worth applies among enemies. So many things, in so many places, worth is the underlying cause of hope, forgiveness, loathing, or hatred. If this is so - if worth is a double edged sword - how much POWER does this word have. It is mighty and it is empowering.

When I say "This relationship is worthless" it means there is no hope. When I say "I am worth far more than rubies" it means there is SO much hope. When I say "Doing that is not worth it" it means I will gain nothing. When I say "You are worth it" it means I believe in you...

The power of this word should never be underestimated. To me, the word 'worth' stands in the same category of other words I covet - such as bold, might, mighty, and hope. These words are as though there are lightning bolts attached to them...and they will either cause a spark or a roaring fire. Lately, for me, it has done the latter.

Love & Light

Beauty in the Midst of This

Hi friends!

It's just me. I sat down to do some school work, but quickly realized it was not going to happen. I checked facebook, but that was surprisingly quiet...so I decided to blog. I don't have  burning desire to write, so this may be short and sweet. I don't have a topic to talk about...but the title for the blog post tonight came out of no where... so that's where I'll begin. Usually I title my blog posts after I write. Perhaps my inspired title will lead to inspired words as I get a move on'.

So. Where is the beauty in the midst of this. Where is 'this' even? Is 'this' ourselves? Is 'this' our surroundings? Is 'this' the world? Is 'this' simply 'this' and stand for nothing and everything at the same time? In order to make any semblance of sense in this post, I think I'll equate 'this' with me in Zumba class yesterday. 

On any given day, you might find me feeling good, indifferent, not-so-good about how I feel about myself. Some days I cut myself some slack. Some days I don't. Other days I have too much other stuff to worry about (like how my children feel about themselves...) to even have the conversation with myself. After an inconsistent run, and because of a video I have to be in (loooooong story...), I've decided to amp up the workouts.

In this effort, I have taken a VERY strong likening to Zumba. Man oh MAN is it fun! I always start out VERY hesitant, but by the end I'm upset its over! Here's where my blog title fits in:
I am pretty confident I look like a hot mess when I'm into it. I always thought I could dance BUT when I look in the mirror (there is no escaping it at the gym!) I realize that maybe it was the multiple glasses of wine I would always have before I danced that made me believe that I could *LOL!* In any event, I do have rhythm. I can dance... a little... but when I compare how my body moves to the way my instructor's body moves... well... I won't even go there.

BUT... BUT!!

There is beauty in the midst of it.

There is me, living a moment of pure joy. Me shakin' it like a polaroid picture. Me laughing at myself and laughing with my co-dance work out friends. My instructor shouting 'SHAKE IT' and then proceeding to move so quickly I'd say time stands still. The primal rhythm of the music that speaks to the most uncivilized part of me...the letting go of the fact that the jiggliest parts of me are jiggling away (literally and more literally, TMI?!?! Are we there, readers?) and I could care LESS. I see the beauty in the midst of this.

Readers, I urge you to see the beauty in the midst of your own situations. Whether they are like mine in Zumba class lookin' not-so-pretty, or somewhere else. There is ALWAYS something pretty to be found. If you are lucky and open enough, you might find it.