Hi friends,
In case you didn't know this, I sometimes use this blog to make sense of the thoughts that weave their way into my heart. Sometimes, these thoughts are clear and sharp - like a piece of broken glass. Other times, these thoughts are like cream when you first pour it into a steaming cup of coffee...they make a splash, swirl around at different depths and colors, and then with some encouragement, they blend into the perfect morning (or afternoon... or evening... if you're like me). Blogging usually doesn't happen on a day like today, when my thoughts are foggy at best...but I feel like if I can just write this out, it will form. I feel like my thoughts are in an egg - once I crack the shell, the rest will just ooze out.
So "Letting Go" is tonight's topics. I am convinced you're thinking about letting things go - like past hurts, regrets, hopes, dreams...those types of 'letting go' things, but I'm actually hoping to talk about letting go of whatever holds you back.
I have had three moments of total surrender - of total letting go. They were as exhausting as they were amazing. Completely and totally healing. Completely and totally transcendental. Completely and totally unexpected. Looking back, I can see the hand of God in every single one...but it was never anything I had asked for. It was a gift - a gift SO wholly holy - that I treasure each experience for what it was. It was a shattering of the last pieces of me in order to put me back together a little more complete than I was when I started.
In case you didn't know this, music moves me. Music unlocks things in my heart that I never knew existed. Music heals me, unhinges me, and reminds me. It gives me hope, gives me words where words don't exist, and fills the space in between my heart and the hearts of others. The melody, the lyrics , the push and pull of sounds .. all of that creates movement in my heart and I can't help but respond.
How does this relate to letting go? I'm not sure - but I'm going to try and fumble through it because the words I would use to explain it sound like music in my heart ... THAT in itself is a long story for another day.
I watch a lot of music on YouTube. Video after video of praise song after praise song. It is AMAZING to see how transparent and how complete these artists are when they are singing. It is not performing, but rather it is lifting the name of the Lord to a place where the angels catch it and lift it right to His throne room.. the holiest of holy places. THESE artists have let go. They are not encumbered by the the 15,000 people filling the Melbourne theater. They are not thinking about the next minutes of their song and how to end it and start the new one. They are not hindered by their own feelings of inadequacy...they simply come, worship, invite you to come along with them, and touch the hem of His garment. It's beautiful to see just how far they let go.
So why can't we do that? When the results are that beautiful, then why do we feel inadequate and impeded? Why can't we just let go? I feel like I could let go, but then when I'm just about to, I am stopped. Know who stops me? Me. Why? Because I suddenly feel incommensurate - as though I am damaged, blemished, and flawed. My mind becomes conscious of what my subconscious and the Holy Spirit want to do...and I am suddenly flooded with insecurity and thoughts that require my entire being to turn down. It's kinda like when you have the radio in your car cranked up because it's a beautiful day and you turn the car off without turning the radio down... now it's later in the day and you go to grab a coffee and you turn the car on and spend the next 5 minutes trying to get the ring out of your ears. It's that dramatic.
I don't really know how to solve this - and it is a HUGE source of frustration for me. I'm patiently waiting and fervently praying that I be able to use myself to be a vessel like those artists are to me. One day, when I'm ready, I'm sure letting go will be as easy as holding on.
~ Love & Light ~
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Random Musings and a Prayer
Hi friends,
My heart is full of wonder at the moment...so this post may be all over the place. Wonder often makes me feel flighty and causes my thoughts to circle themselves repeatedly and ever-so-slowly instead of swirl around and occasionally intersect or pass closely by. Lots of positives and lots of 'yes' in my life right now...and it feels good.
I wrote a post (and if I knew how to link to it, I would do it now) about the most dangerous word being yes quite early on in my blogging life. I think about that post often because I believe, still, that the most dangerous word is yes. Yes. Say it with me "YES."
Yes, you can create a dream and weave your life into it. It's possible - I speak from experience. Yes, you can redefine boundaries and reach unreachable people - I speak from experience. Yes, people ARE inherently good and want to work together to spread goodness - I speak from experience. Yes, 'ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will open to you' is TRUE - I speak from recent experience and a giddy heart about this.
All we need in life are opportunities. The opportunity to make the right decision. The opportunity to make the wrong one. The opportunity to make a first impression. The opportunity to change how people perceive you. The opportunity to let your light shine so that others may see. The opportunity to hitch your wagon to a star. The opportunity to see your gifts, and the opportunity to use your gifts in a way that fulfills the deepest part of your heart. The opportunity to stand up to NO and turn it into a YES.
Psalm 37:4 comes to mind. It's pretty popular and I'd be willing to bet you've heard it before. It says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." After seeking the Lord with ALL my heart lately, he has not only revealed my desires, but reignited things that were dormant for a while.
Funny... in reading my bible tonight I came across this in Jeremiah 29:14 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." I am pretty confident that this what I've been doing. I am seeking the Lord with ALL my heart...and because I'm doing that, I have been given the opportunity to not only re-ignite the desires of my heart within myself, but also openly and freely share the desires of my heart with people who can make my "no"s turn to "yes"es...and it's all for the greater good of God.
Heavenly Father, I thank you for your mighty hand in my life. You amaze me and leave me feeling wide-eyed with wonder. Not only did you free people when you walked on this Earth, but you also freed my heart to accept the opportunity and the gifts you had waiting for me. You humble me, Lord. You reward me when I don't deserve it. You encourage me to press on and fight the good fight. You love me DESPITE me. I bow before you tonight, Jesus, and with a servant's heart, request that you direct my path. As sure as you've put your promise in my heart, I ask that you make my footing equally as sure. Turn my meekness into might for YOUR glory, Lord. I, the lowest of these, desire to lift your name above all names. Keep this desire in my heart as you reveal more and more to me. Help me shine my light for you, Lord. Without you, I fade. In Jesus' precious and holy name ... Amen ♥
My heart is full of wonder at the moment...so this post may be all over the place. Wonder often makes me feel flighty and causes my thoughts to circle themselves repeatedly and ever-so-slowly instead of swirl around and occasionally intersect or pass closely by. Lots of positives and lots of 'yes' in my life right now...and it feels good.
I wrote a post (and if I knew how to link to it, I would do it now) about the most dangerous word being yes quite early on in my blogging life. I think about that post often because I believe, still, that the most dangerous word is yes. Yes. Say it with me "YES."
Yes, you can create a dream and weave your life into it. It's possible - I speak from experience. Yes, you can redefine boundaries and reach unreachable people - I speak from experience. Yes, people ARE inherently good and want to work together to spread goodness - I speak from experience. Yes, 'ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will open to you' is TRUE - I speak from recent experience and a giddy heart about this.
All we need in life are opportunities. The opportunity to make the right decision. The opportunity to make the wrong one. The opportunity to make a first impression. The opportunity to change how people perceive you. The opportunity to let your light shine so that others may see. The opportunity to hitch your wagon to a star. The opportunity to see your gifts, and the opportunity to use your gifts in a way that fulfills the deepest part of your heart. The opportunity to stand up to NO and turn it into a YES.
Psalm 37:4 comes to mind. It's pretty popular and I'd be willing to bet you've heard it before. It says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." After seeking the Lord with ALL my heart lately, he has not only revealed my desires, but reignited things that were dormant for a while.
Funny... in reading my bible tonight I came across this in Jeremiah 29:14 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." I am pretty confident that this what I've been doing. I am seeking the Lord with ALL my heart...and because I'm doing that, I have been given the opportunity to not only re-ignite the desires of my heart within myself, but also openly and freely share the desires of my heart with people who can make my "no"s turn to "yes"es...and it's all for the greater good of God.
Heavenly Father, I thank you for your mighty hand in my life. You amaze me and leave me feeling wide-eyed with wonder. Not only did you free people when you walked on this Earth, but you also freed my heart to accept the opportunity and the gifts you had waiting for me. You humble me, Lord. You reward me when I don't deserve it. You encourage me to press on and fight the good fight. You love me DESPITE me. I bow before you tonight, Jesus, and with a servant's heart, request that you direct my path. As sure as you've put your promise in my heart, I ask that you make my footing equally as sure. Turn my meekness into might for YOUR glory, Lord. I, the lowest of these, desire to lift your name above all names. Keep this desire in my heart as you reveal more and more to me. Help me shine my light for you, Lord. Without you, I fade. In Jesus' precious and holy name ... Amen ♥
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Phoenix Arising
Have you ever talked to someone and found out that they are encouraged by you just as much as you are encouraged by them? Have you ever talked to someone and found out that as much as they inspire you, you inspire them? Have you ever talked to someone and found out that they think of you just as highly as you think of them? Have you?
There are a few people in my life that I look up to in a BIG way. People who have helped me and supported me as I journeyed to where I am today. People who have picked me up from the muck and mire and placed me on a firm rock to stand. People who believe in me even when I didn't believe in myself. There are no words on this earth to help those people understand how thankful I am for everything they have done and every sacrifice they have made for me. No words.
For the first time in my career, I have entered into the territory of mutual admiration...and I need to write about it. It's new..it's slightly uncomfortable..but it's marvelous.
For those of you who don't know, I love what I do for work. It is one of the most fulfilling things for me...to be able to help in any way possible. I recently had a conversation with a coworker about my desire to help (among many other things) and I felt, in my heart of hearts, that this conversation was a pivot point for me - and I can't explain exactly why. Perhaps its because it was unguarded, sincere, and honest? Perhaps because we had an honest exchange of hearts as we talked about some sticky stuff? As crazy as this sounds, the conversation sort of made me feel like a phoenix rising. I had to burn in the ash in order to be renewed. And renewed I was.
Today, I had the opportunity to speak to this very same coworker. When we speak, she speaks with such approval for me - the same type of approval as I have for her. I hear it. It makes me feel wonder and marvel at the thought that as much respect and appreciation I have for her, she might have for me. It validates that I have made the right decisions thus far professionally and personally. I hear rusty hinges falling off old, cobwebbed doors in my heart because hope is promising to push through if I let it.
And while I realize that I have SO much growth that needs to happen between now and where I'm going, I now see that there are TRULY people who want to better other people. There are TRULY people who see the best in you and, without trying, GET the very best FROM you. This kind of thing boggles my mind. I always think that no one will think of me as highly as I think of them - that its some sort of impossibility. But there was a moment today (and still now) that I believe in my heart that it's possible. And while words fade quickly, the feelings that come with the words don't fade as fast. I'm grateful for this, and I'm holding on to them as tightly as I can.
There are a few people in my life that I look up to in a BIG way. People who have helped me and supported me as I journeyed to where I am today. People who have picked me up from the muck and mire and placed me on a firm rock to stand. People who believe in me even when I didn't believe in myself. There are no words on this earth to help those people understand how thankful I am for everything they have done and every sacrifice they have made for me. No words.
For the first time in my career, I have entered into the territory of mutual admiration...and I need to write about it. It's new..it's slightly uncomfortable..but it's marvelous.
For those of you who don't know, I love what I do for work. It is one of the most fulfilling things for me...to be able to help in any way possible. I recently had a conversation with a coworker about my desire to help (among many other things) and I felt, in my heart of hearts, that this conversation was a pivot point for me - and I can't explain exactly why. Perhaps its because it was unguarded, sincere, and honest? Perhaps because we had an honest exchange of hearts as we talked about some sticky stuff? As crazy as this sounds, the conversation sort of made me feel like a phoenix rising. I had to burn in the ash in order to be renewed. And renewed I was.
Today, I had the opportunity to speak to this very same coworker. When we speak, she speaks with such approval for me - the same type of approval as I have for her. I hear it. It makes me feel wonder and marvel at the thought that as much respect and appreciation I have for her, she might have for me. It validates that I have made the right decisions thus far professionally and personally. I hear rusty hinges falling off old, cobwebbed doors in my heart because hope is promising to push through if I let it.
And while I realize that I have SO much growth that needs to happen between now and where I'm going, I now see that there are TRULY people who want to better other people. There are TRULY people who see the best in you and, without trying, GET the very best FROM you. This kind of thing boggles my mind. I always think that no one will think of me as highly as I think of them - that its some sort of impossibility. But there was a moment today (and still now) that I believe in my heart that it's possible. And while words fade quickly, the feelings that come with the words don't fade as fast. I'm grateful for this, and I'm holding on to them as tightly as I can.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Worth
So... I had a very interesting conversation today... the second conversation in as many weeks when I know that the person I was talking to was TRULY understanding me. Yes, I talk in circles. Yes, I justify answers with 'I just know it'...and I realize that just because I 'know' something, doesn't make it credible...but there is something so spectacular when you truly speak to someone, and you speak right into their heart. And even if that person is far removed from the things you stand on, they still hear you as though you were built from the same foundation.
The topic of 'worth' has been on fire in my heart lately. It is a word that holds so much boldness and hope, yet so much fragility at the same time. When people think about how much they are worth, they normally equate it to finances, right? And while if you are calculating your net-worth this is true, BUT you can be penniless and have more worth than the most filthy rich person in the whole world.
Worth applies in the working world. Worth applies at home. Worth applies among friendships. Worth applies among enemies. So many things, in so many places, worth is the underlying cause of hope, forgiveness, loathing, or hatred. If this is so - if worth is a double edged sword - how much POWER does this word have. It is mighty and it is empowering.
When I say "This relationship is worthless" it means there is no hope. When I say "I am worth far more than rubies" it means there is SO much hope. When I say "Doing that is not worth it" it means I will gain nothing. When I say "You are worth it" it means I believe in you...
The power of this word should never be underestimated. To me, the word 'worth' stands in the same category of other words I covet - such as bold, might, mighty, and hope. These words are as though there are lightning bolts attached to them...and they will either cause a spark or a roaring fire. Lately, for me, it has done the latter.
Love & Light
The topic of 'worth' has been on fire in my heart lately. It is a word that holds so much boldness and hope, yet so much fragility at the same time. When people think about how much they are worth, they normally equate it to finances, right? And while if you are calculating your net-worth this is true, BUT you can be penniless and have more worth than the most filthy rich person in the whole world.
Worth applies in the working world. Worth applies at home. Worth applies among friendships. Worth applies among enemies. So many things, in so many places, worth is the underlying cause of hope, forgiveness, loathing, or hatred. If this is so - if worth is a double edged sword - how much POWER does this word have. It is mighty and it is empowering.
When I say "This relationship is worthless" it means there is no hope. When I say "I am worth far more than rubies" it means there is SO much hope. When I say "Doing that is not worth it" it means I will gain nothing. When I say "You are worth it" it means I believe in you...
The power of this word should never be underestimated. To me, the word 'worth' stands in the same category of other words I covet - such as bold, might, mighty, and hope. These words are as though there are lightning bolts attached to them...and they will either cause a spark or a roaring fire. Lately, for me, it has done the latter.
Love & Light
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Beauty in the Midst of This
Hi friends!
It's just me. I sat down to do some school work, but quickly realized it was not going to happen. I checked facebook, but that was surprisingly quiet...so I decided to blog. I don't have burning desire to write, so this may be short and sweet. I don't have a topic to talk about...but the title for the blog post tonight came out of no where... so that's where I'll begin. Usually I title my blog posts after I write. Perhaps my inspired title will lead to inspired words as I get a move on'.
So. Where is the beauty in the midst of this. Where is 'this' even? Is 'this' ourselves? Is 'this' our surroundings? Is 'this' the world? Is 'this' simply 'this' and stand for nothing and everything at the same time? In order to make any semblance of sense in this post, I think I'll equate 'this' with me in Zumba class yesterday.
On any given day, you might find me feeling good, indifferent, not-so-good about how I feel about myself. Some days I cut myself some slack. Some days I don't. Other days I have too much other stuff to worry about (like how my children feel about themselves...) to even have the conversation with myself. After an inconsistent run, and because of a video I have to be in (loooooong story...), I've decided to amp up the workouts.
In this effort, I have taken a VERY strong likening to Zumba. Man oh MAN is it fun! I always start out VERY hesitant, but by the end I'm upset its over! Here's where my blog title fits in:
I am pretty confident I look like a hot mess when I'm into it. I always thought I could dance BUT when I look in the mirror (there is no escaping it at the gym!) I realize that maybe it was the multiple glasses of wine I would always have before I danced that made me believe that I could *LOL!* In any event, I do have rhythm. I can dance... a little... but when I compare how my body moves to the way my instructor's body moves... well... I won't even go there.
BUT... BUT!!
There is beauty in the midst of it.
There is me, living a moment of pure joy. Me shakin' it like a polaroid picture. Me laughing at myself and laughing with my co-dance work out friends. My instructor shouting 'SHAKE IT' and then proceeding to move so quickly I'd say time stands still. The primal rhythm of the music that speaks to the most uncivilized part of me...the letting go of the fact that the jiggliest parts of me are jiggling away (literally and more literally, TMI?!?! Are we there, readers?) and I could care LESS. I see the beauty in the midst of this.
Readers, I urge you to see the beauty in the midst of your own situations. Whether they are like mine in Zumba class lookin' not-so-pretty, or somewhere else. There is ALWAYS something pretty to be found. If you are lucky and open enough, you might find it.
It's just me. I sat down to do some school work, but quickly realized it was not going to happen. I checked facebook, but that was surprisingly quiet...so I decided to blog. I don't have burning desire to write, so this may be short and sweet. I don't have a topic to talk about...but the title for the blog post tonight came out of no where... so that's where I'll begin. Usually I title my blog posts after I write. Perhaps my inspired title will lead to inspired words as I get a move on'.
So. Where is the beauty in the midst of this. Where is 'this' even? Is 'this' ourselves? Is 'this' our surroundings? Is 'this' the world? Is 'this' simply 'this' and stand for nothing and everything at the same time? In order to make any semblance of sense in this post, I think I'll equate 'this' with me in Zumba class yesterday.
On any given day, you might find me feeling good, indifferent, not-so-good about how I feel about myself. Some days I cut myself some slack. Some days I don't. Other days I have too much other stuff to worry about (like how my children feel about themselves...) to even have the conversation with myself. After an inconsistent run, and because of a video I have to be in (loooooong story...), I've decided to amp up the workouts.
In this effort, I have taken a VERY strong likening to Zumba. Man oh MAN is it fun! I always start out VERY hesitant, but by the end I'm upset its over! Here's where my blog title fits in:
I am pretty confident I look like a hot mess when I'm into it. I always thought I could dance BUT when I look in the mirror (there is no escaping it at the gym!) I realize that maybe it was the multiple glasses of wine I would always have before I danced that made me believe that I could *LOL!* In any event, I do have rhythm. I can dance... a little... but when I compare how my body moves to the way my instructor's body moves... well... I won't even go there.
BUT... BUT!!
There is beauty in the midst of it.
There is me, living a moment of pure joy. Me shakin' it like a polaroid picture. Me laughing at myself and laughing with my co-dance work out friends. My instructor shouting 'SHAKE IT' and then proceeding to move so quickly I'd say time stands still. The primal rhythm of the music that speaks to the most uncivilized part of me...the letting go of the fact that the jiggliest parts of me are jiggling away (literally and more literally, TMI?!?! Are we there, readers?) and I could care LESS. I see the beauty in the midst of this.
Readers, I urge you to see the beauty in the midst of your own situations. Whether they are like mine in Zumba class lookin' not-so-pretty, or somewhere else. There is ALWAYS something pretty to be found. If you are lucky and open enough, you might find it.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Unapologetically Me
Hi friends,
It's me. Dina. Some of you enjoy me just as I am. Some of you like parts of me. Some of you, I mystify. Some of you, I confuse. Maybe some of you only like me part of the time, when it's convenient for you (I am pretty confident I have some of you in my life...but I still love you for you) Some of you are mad that I just wrote that...
I have been thinking a lot lately and truth be told, I found out some things about myself. Some of them too personal to share here, but some of them aren't. During lunch with a friend recently, she called me out about something...and she was entirely right. What's that thing? Well, it's complicated, but without going into too much detail, it is the fact that I purposely and voluntarily leave myself out of situations. It's sort of part of my all-or-nothing personality. I don't remember a time when I would settle for just-a-little-bit. All. Or. Nothing. Always.
For a minute (well, for numerous minutes, really...) I backpedaled a little. I thought 'what if she's right? what if I should take a look at myself'...but don't worry friends, that didn't last too long. What this conversation taught me was this: I am who I am. I am working towards who I was created to be. I like myself just as I am - quirks and all. I secretly (not-so-much now...) like that I am stubborn, thick headed, all-or-nothing, in your face as much as I can be, demanding, 'you're wrong just because I said you were,' competitive to no end, and that I march to the beat of my own drummer. It's funny - I recently said to another friend - I may march to the beat of my own drummer, but never out of synch with everyone else.
If I am going to be honest, I like these quirks about me that have negative connotations. The negatives give me character and charm, sort of like a cool scar with an even cooler story. They don't harm anyone (except me, usually...). The fact of the matter is that I LIKE these things about me.
While there are plenty of positive things that I could say about myself, I choose to say that I find the negative things about me to be positive things. Together these traits make me, ME. I shouldn't feel that I need to be apologetic for being me. I'm done feeling that way. I spent much to much of my younger years trying to figure that out. I am unapologetically me. I am finally strong enough, mature enough, and most importantly kind enough to myself to acknowledge that.
So, ... I thank my friend for lunch that day. I thank her for prompting me to check myself. I thank her for calling me out and I thank her for giving me the opportunity to realize and rediscover that I LIKE that I am the way I am. I thank her for letting me be ME, unapologetically me. I thank all my other friends and family - my TRUE and LOYAL friends and family - for letting me be unapologetically me. I appreciate you all more than you know.
It's me. Dina. Some of you enjoy me just as I am. Some of you like parts of me. Some of you, I mystify. Some of you, I confuse. Maybe some of you only like me part of the time, when it's convenient for you (I am pretty confident I have some of you in my life...but I still love you for you) Some of you are mad that I just wrote that...
I have been thinking a lot lately and truth be told, I found out some things about myself. Some of them too personal to share here, but some of them aren't. During lunch with a friend recently, she called me out about something...and she was entirely right. What's that thing? Well, it's complicated, but without going into too much detail, it is the fact that I purposely and voluntarily leave myself out of situations. It's sort of part of my all-or-nothing personality. I don't remember a time when I would settle for just-a-little-bit. All. Or. Nothing. Always.
For a minute (well, for numerous minutes, really...) I backpedaled a little. I thought 'what if she's right? what if I should take a look at myself'...but don't worry friends, that didn't last too long. What this conversation taught me was this: I am who I am. I am working towards who I was created to be. I like myself just as I am - quirks and all. I secretly (not-so-much now...) like that I am stubborn, thick headed, all-or-nothing, in your face as much as I can be, demanding, 'you're wrong just because I said you were,' competitive to no end, and that I march to the beat of my own drummer. It's funny - I recently said to another friend - I may march to the beat of my own drummer, but never out of synch with everyone else.
If I am going to be honest, I like these quirks about me that have negative connotations. The negatives give me character and charm, sort of like a cool scar with an even cooler story. They don't harm anyone (except me, usually...). The fact of the matter is that I LIKE these things about me.
While there are plenty of positive things that I could say about myself, I choose to say that I find the negative things about me to be positive things. Together these traits make me, ME. I shouldn't feel that I need to be apologetic for being me. I'm done feeling that way. I spent much to much of my younger years trying to figure that out. I am unapologetically me. I am finally strong enough, mature enough, and most importantly kind enough to myself to acknowledge that.
So, ... I thank my friend for lunch that day. I thank her for prompting me to check myself. I thank her for calling me out and I thank her for giving me the opportunity to realize and rediscover that I LIKE that I am the way I am. I thank her for letting me be ME, unapologetically me. I thank all my other friends and family - my TRUE and LOYAL friends and family - for letting me be unapologetically me. I appreciate you all more than you know.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
WARNING: Its a Long One. Grab a Cup o' Joe...
Hi friends. It's been awhile again. This post has been brewing in my heart for quite some time... as a warning, it may be lengthy and it may contain errors because my intention is to write and post - no re-reading, no spell checks. This post is an unapologetic stream of consciousness. Ready? Let's go ♥
Music has always been a HUGE part of my life. From Linda Ronstadt to James Taylor; Dan Fogelberg to Carly Simon; OH and who could forget Frank Sinatra (my personal fav!)? Saturday nights were filled with no TV, just dance parties and plenty of laughs. I would often go to bed with the music blaring, no end in sight. It was these days that set the stage for my lifelong passion.
I remember sitting in my room at our old apartment (73 Frasier Street to be exact. I remember Mom DRILLING the address into my head just-in-case), with my 45's and a record player. Jamming out to whatever I had. I remember getting a pocket rocker, and having Manic Monday and Walk Like an Egyptian - thinking I was a legit rock star. I remember a D.A.R.E solo I sang at a school concert even though I was sick because I could NEVER let my backup take that spot (I swear, I'm not competitive...LOL!).
Music is a part of my DNA. My grandfather is a master piano technician - translating feelings into sounds so complex, yet so simple. His long, capable fingers understanding the keys like a mother understands her baby's cry. His emotions resound through the strike and tap of every key. His sadness drips with every note now that his reason to play is in the arms of angels. ♥
I always felt... capable... when whatever it was involved music. If it was an instrument, I could probably figure out how to play it. The only one that always escaped me was the piano. Oh how I love it, but oh how I just can't seem to get my heart and my hands to work together. I played trumpet in the high school band when I was in middle school. I held 'first seat' every year of middle school and some of high school (before my trumpet got stolen...). Playing music came effortlessly for me.
Although instruments were easy, it was truly my voice that was my instrument of choice. I am unsure why I did not pursue it as much as I did the trumpet - something that frustrates me today. I can recall one very trying day in the music room when I was in middle school (or perhaps a Freshman in high school). If I am honest, this would probably be the day I shied away from singing in front of anyone. We were 'warming up' and our choir teacher had us sing do-re-mi. For some reason, she had asked me to start it. So I did. Do, re, mi, fa, so la... and when I got to ti it was pretty high...and I don't remember what happened next, but I know it involved lots of chuckles and whispers around the room. It seems so insignificant now, but back then...well... let's just say it was damaging. From that point on, my heart ached to sing but I denied it - thinking those snickering girls were right. THEY knew what they were talking about. THEY were all in drama and THEY were all in the special chorale ensemble...so they must know, right? Well...looking back, I see it as a pure reflection of their own insecurity. I see my heartache. I see the shutting down of my passion. I let the embers go out.
Fast forward.
In the past few years, there have been multiple times when I've said that I felt like I had a simmering pot, and I was doing what I could to stoke the fire so it could overflow...but all the wood seemed wet. Always. I never really knew why I felt this way. I had all my needs fulfilled. I had the majority of my (reasonable) wants fulfilled. I had no reason for this restlessness. This is an important part of the story, but I have to change gears for a second.
In April, I turned 30. I was excited to enter the 'age of establishment' as I affectionately dubbed it. I will never forget that a few months before this, there was a football game on. It was halftime so I checked Facebook...and my heart nearly flew out of my chest. It was then that a dream of mine was going to be fulfilled... It was Audrey Assad. The weekend of my birthday. In MAINE. If you know me at all, you know I am completely and totally and utterly and entirely in awe of her and her gift. Instantly, I knew I'd be there.
Fast forward to April. My dear, dear, friend and I take an overnight road trip to Charleston, Maine to see her. I am SO excited and SO nervous. We have an amazing time. I am not sure we stopped talking the whole way up. We got checked in at the hotel, got showered and all gussied up, and we headed out. When I tell you I was hyper-excited, I'm putting it mildly. I felt that at any given moment, I would explode.
We get to the church the event was being held at. There are a million cars. We walk in and there are a million people. There is NO assigned seating so we wander until we find decent seats - in the FRONT but off to the side. Excellent choice because this is the side she comes in from and leaves from so I got to see her a few times. She gets up there, she sings "Sparrow" and I am entranced. Something now begins to dry out the wood next to the fire. The night was filled with praise and worship and all things holy. At one point, I turned to my friend and whispered that it was my hearts desire to do what they are doing. I whispered because it came from the whispers of my heart. I whispered because I didn't DARE think it could be true. I whispered because I didn't want anyone else to hear...I whispered. The wood was dry and someone just put a few logs on to rekindle the flame.
On the way out, I got to MEET her. Yes - as in talk to her, she signed something for me, I let her know how amazing she is and how she inspires me. Our hearts connected, even if for a brief moment, and she added wood to my fire and a strong wind fanned the flame. My pot was SO close to overflowing. In one of my favorite Psalms, the psalmist says "you make the winds your messenger." In this perfect, anointed moment, He did.
Between then and now, so much has been revealed to me. My pot is officially overflowing. I am unashamed at the mess it is leaving. As a matter of fact, I am grateful for the mess.
I see singing as a gateway. I swear at times I could touch the hem of His garment. When I sing, it is a private, lovely, hopeful, heartfelt cry to my God. I sing to Him, I sing for Him. My ultimate goal is to get those who sing along with me to understand that feeling. The feeling of 'suspension' (as I call it) between Earth and the heavens. The feeling of holy surrender as my melody, the words, and my heart collide at the foot of the cross. The feeling of hope and promise that the very last note leaves me with...that even though it is quiet around us, my soul is not. Even though the music has stopped, it resounds in heaven's throne room as a tribute to the God I love and worship. Come with me, sometime. Come with me and experience the humbleness, fullness, boldness, hope, joy, peace, and comfort that true worship brings.
Love and Light
~Dina
Music has always been a HUGE part of my life. From Linda Ronstadt to James Taylor; Dan Fogelberg to Carly Simon; OH and who could forget Frank Sinatra (my personal fav!)? Saturday nights were filled with no TV, just dance parties and plenty of laughs. I would often go to bed with the music blaring, no end in sight. It was these days that set the stage for my lifelong passion.
I remember sitting in my room at our old apartment (73 Frasier Street to be exact. I remember Mom DRILLING the address into my head just-in-case), with my 45's and a record player. Jamming out to whatever I had. I remember getting a pocket rocker, and having Manic Monday and Walk Like an Egyptian - thinking I was a legit rock star. I remember a D.A.R.E solo I sang at a school concert even though I was sick because I could NEVER let my backup take that spot (I swear, I'm not competitive...LOL!).
Music is a part of my DNA. My grandfather is a master piano technician - translating feelings into sounds so complex, yet so simple. His long, capable fingers understanding the keys like a mother understands her baby's cry. His emotions resound through the strike and tap of every key. His sadness drips with every note now that his reason to play is in the arms of angels. ♥
I always felt... capable... when whatever it was involved music. If it was an instrument, I could probably figure out how to play it. The only one that always escaped me was the piano. Oh how I love it, but oh how I just can't seem to get my heart and my hands to work together. I played trumpet in the high school band when I was in middle school. I held 'first seat' every year of middle school and some of high school (before my trumpet got stolen...). Playing music came effortlessly for me.
Although instruments were easy, it was truly my voice that was my instrument of choice. I am unsure why I did not pursue it as much as I did the trumpet - something that frustrates me today. I can recall one very trying day in the music room when I was in middle school (or perhaps a Freshman in high school). If I am honest, this would probably be the day I shied away from singing in front of anyone. We were 'warming up' and our choir teacher had us sing do-re-mi. For some reason, she had asked me to start it. So I did. Do, re, mi, fa, so la... and when I got to ti it was pretty high...and I don't remember what happened next, but I know it involved lots of chuckles and whispers around the room. It seems so insignificant now, but back then...well... let's just say it was damaging. From that point on, my heart ached to sing but I denied it - thinking those snickering girls were right. THEY knew what they were talking about. THEY were all in drama and THEY were all in the special chorale ensemble...so they must know, right? Well...looking back, I see it as a pure reflection of their own insecurity. I see my heartache. I see the shutting down of my passion. I let the embers go out.
Fast forward.
In the past few years, there have been multiple times when I've said that I felt like I had a simmering pot, and I was doing what I could to stoke the fire so it could overflow...but all the wood seemed wet. Always. I never really knew why I felt this way. I had all my needs fulfilled. I had the majority of my (reasonable) wants fulfilled. I had no reason for this restlessness. This is an important part of the story, but I have to change gears for a second.
In April, I turned 30. I was excited to enter the 'age of establishment' as I affectionately dubbed it. I will never forget that a few months before this, there was a football game on. It was halftime so I checked Facebook...and my heart nearly flew out of my chest. It was then that a dream of mine was going to be fulfilled... It was Audrey Assad. The weekend of my birthday. In MAINE. If you know me at all, you know I am completely and totally and utterly and entirely in awe of her and her gift. Instantly, I knew I'd be there.
Fast forward to April. My dear, dear, friend and I take an overnight road trip to Charleston, Maine to see her. I am SO excited and SO nervous. We have an amazing time. I am not sure we stopped talking the whole way up. We got checked in at the hotel, got showered and all gussied up, and we headed out. When I tell you I was hyper-excited, I'm putting it mildly. I felt that at any given moment, I would explode.
We get to the church the event was being held at. There are a million cars. We walk in and there are a million people. There is NO assigned seating so we wander until we find decent seats - in the FRONT but off to the side. Excellent choice because this is the side she comes in from and leaves from so I got to see her a few times. She gets up there, she sings "Sparrow" and I am entranced. Something now begins to dry out the wood next to the fire. The night was filled with praise and worship and all things holy. At one point, I turned to my friend and whispered that it was my hearts desire to do what they are doing. I whispered because it came from the whispers of my heart. I whispered because I didn't DARE think it could be true. I whispered because I didn't want anyone else to hear...I whispered. The wood was dry and someone just put a few logs on to rekindle the flame.
On the way out, I got to MEET her. Yes - as in talk to her, she signed something for me, I let her know how amazing she is and how she inspires me. Our hearts connected, even if for a brief moment, and she added wood to my fire and a strong wind fanned the flame. My pot was SO close to overflowing. In one of my favorite Psalms, the psalmist says "you make the winds your messenger." In this perfect, anointed moment, He did.
Between then and now, so much has been revealed to me. My pot is officially overflowing. I am unashamed at the mess it is leaving. As a matter of fact, I am grateful for the mess.
I see singing as a gateway. I swear at times I could touch the hem of His garment. When I sing, it is a private, lovely, hopeful, heartfelt cry to my God. I sing to Him, I sing for Him. My ultimate goal is to get those who sing along with me to understand that feeling. The feeling of 'suspension' (as I call it) between Earth and the heavens. The feeling of holy surrender as my melody, the words, and my heart collide at the foot of the cross. The feeling of hope and promise that the very last note leaves me with...that even though it is quiet around us, my soul is not. Even though the music has stopped, it resounds in heaven's throne room as a tribute to the God I love and worship. Come with me, sometime. Come with me and experience the humbleness, fullness, boldness, hope, joy, peace, and comfort that true worship brings.
Love and Light
~Dina
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