Tense matters....

Its been a while...too long for my liking, but it seems that life is passing along at a VERY challenging pace. First it was the end of the school year, now its the dog days of summer … all of these things seem to be taking FOREVER to pass, but suddenly they are gone – like some strange time vortex that we haven't quite figured out. In any event, I realized today that I have a lot to say and no one to say it to... and then I remembered this nice little space where I can vent.


I woke up this morning, as I normally do, with a song on my heart. It usually sets the tone for my day. There is always a message in it for me... always... sometimes its obvious, other times its not... but today it struck me as something I had to chew on for a while before I could spit it out.


The lyrics said “ I've tasted and I've seen – of a God who is greater than anything.” It was a spontaneous moment that soared into the throne room of heaven in this specific worship set. It immediately brought to mind Psalm 34:8 – taste and see that the Lord is good.


I was brought back to my childhood church. To the high and lofty ceilings painted white with beautiful wooden beams running across it, drop pendant lights sprinkled throughout. To the smell of powder and incense and wood polish for the long, long pews that glistened even on the rainiest of days. I can recall, with absolute clarity, the sound of the organ and Mr. Kirby singing “taste and see, taste and see, that the Lord is good.” As bizarre as it sounds, I can also recall the sound of his cough in between songs - he chain smoked like nobody's business and it seemed to take a toll on his Sunday morning crooning.

As sad as this is, I have to confess that it took me until my adult years to make the connection that he actually WAS singing the Psalms. The ones I could read for myself in the Good Book. The ones that have brought me comfort and eased the growing pains of life ... those very same Psalms. I have no idea why I never put two and two together,...but I suppose that is another story for another day.

Let's get to the heart of the matter, shall we?

My journey since my younger catholic years has moved me to a new church and given me a whole new worship experience. Gone is the organ, here is the keyboard and bass - even some drums. Makes me face-hurt smile to think how much I love where I am. I have learned more about who Jesus is in the past 5 years than I did in my first 25... but again, that is another story for another day (I guess one blog post begets two more?!??!)

In thinking about the lyrics today, and comparing it to the organ-laced song from my youth, I realized that tense matters. No, not the tightness in between my shoulders (I wouldn't EVER say no to a massage!) but to the actual TENSE of the words. The lyrics are past tense - she has tastED and SEEN. The Word says to taste and see. Taste. See. Now. Not in the past. That got me thinking...

I can say for sure that I have tastED and I have SEEN that the Lord is good. But can I really say that in the present tense?

I can't help but relate this to food (no snide remarks, please...). Do you have a desire to taste something when you're not hungry? Think about it. You've just had a meal - whatever your heart desires - and you're just sitting in your seat. Satisfied. Full - OVERfull, maybe... but absolutely happy that what you just ate has exceeded your expectations. If I said to you - do you want to taste my food? You probably would say no. You're satisfied. You don't want to change the taste that lingers on your tongue. But if you were NOT satisfied - if you were starving and I offered you a taste of my food, you would be happy to oblige. You are HUNGRY. You WANT. You, quite possibly, need a taste.

Jesus offers us this - Jesus offers us the ability to taste and see that He is good. But He won't force us to try a bite. He waits for us to be hungry - and eventually we realize that it doesn't matter what food we eat, the only true source of satisfaction is Him.

I, unfortunately, have a selfish nature. My first thought is often about how I'm feeling even if whatever the issue brings up is not about me or how I'm feeling. I am working on it. This selfish tendency can put blinders on me. I look around and see how things are NOT instead of how things ARE. I forget that there is pleasure in the small things - like the sound of laughter or a really good cup of coffee. My selfishness ALWAYS turns to grumbling and groaning. Instead of feeling like I'm serving my family by making them dinner, I end up thinking that they are all ungrateful people and should be making ME dinner for all I do for them (I swear, I've had these thoughts. No, I'm not proud of them - I'm keepin' it real here though... I know I'm not the only one).  In these blinding situations, I can not SEE that the Lord is good. I can only SEE how things are affecting ME.

So the song sings to me that I've tasted and I've seen... in the past. And I have - both of those things. And in each time I recognized it, I was full to bursting at the God who would know and see me. If you asked me right at this moment if I can taste and see if the Lord is good, my immediate response would be no. I am not tasting and seeing that He is good. I'm stuck in my own head.

But if you asked me if I've tastED and SEEN that He is good, I would absolutely say YES.

Sooooo...we have a problem here, no?

We (I say we, but I mean I) spend so much time thinking about what has happened, and what WILL happen...that we forget what IS happening.  We (again, I) are so caught up in before and after; in I 'used to' but next 'I will.' We change course from the road we USED TO travel SO THAT we can end up at a different destination - completely unaware of the beauty that surrounds us because our mind and hearts are too far ahead - hanging on a hope that may or may not be what we should cling to. We have tastED, we have SEEN. We do not taste and see.

I'm working on it. Join me?

Dredging The Bottom

So I've been thinking (queue the Jaws song) because I had to process some emotions...and what a better way to process heart-emotions than with your head. So I pulled my heart up by the boot straps and forced my mind to sift through the conflict that had taken residence there. 

After a particularly moving church experience yesterday, I learned this: prayer at the altar stirs up your heart...and sometimes it takes a while to settle back down. I think of it like a small tide pool on a sandy beach. You can walk by, look, and even place a hand in the water and it will ripple, but still remain clear. Once you dredge the sand up from the bottom, the water becomes clouded over and the disruption causes settled things to be unsettled with things swirling about in no particular design other than chaos. Prayer at the altar is like that. Just like in that tide pool, things need time to settle back down again. As long as nothing else disturbs the mix, a little time and patience will get things back to normal. 

I've given myself permission to feel conflicting emotions since I've gone ahead and dredged up muck that was stagnant and stuck to the bottom of my heart. I have allowed myself to feel flooded with peace one minute, and then shrouded with angst in the next. My hope is that this time, I will be able to keep the negative on the top SO THAT my Jesus can come and skim them away. What I want to settle into the depth of my heart are all the things that make me more like Him...all the things that help me shine His light. 

While there is much more work to be done, I feel that this shake up has happened now for a particular reason. I will not allow myself to get caught up in WHY, but I will allow myself to get caught up in HOW I can have patience in the waiting for the revelation that is sure to soon come. 

In The Garden

Sometimes… well for me, many times.. a lyric will grip my heart for days and days. Sometimes I know why immediately, other times it takes a while for me to figure out why, other times the reason doesn’t matter as the comfort it brings is enough. It depends on my state of heart. In any event, I’ve been slain by a lyric that digs deeply into the season I am in right now. This morning, with the help of a Facebook prayer post and a YouTube video, I think I'm finally able to put things together.

Misty Edwards in all her melodious grace sings to me the current song of my heart:

I want to be Your companion,

Just like in the Garden

If You’re searching for Eden,

Find it in me, God,… find it in me.

And I swear she’s in my heart. Being human, I sometimes feel really close to God… other times, I feel as if there is a distance between us. This is a completely normal thing – I know I’m not the only one who experiences this and I’ve learned to accept it. My God is bigger than the gap that exists between my perception of God’s closeness and how close He really is. I stand firm in this and know that my reunion with the closeness of God that I desire is just ahead. I really just want to be His companion – the kind where conversation is happening despite the audible silence. “I want to be Your companion.”

I have two distinct images in my mind’s eye about a garden. The first  garden I conjure up that is synonymous with ALL gardens is my grandmother’s garden. As a kid, it was a maze of beans and corn as tall as the sky according to my little girl eyes. The sound of the breeze would catch them, and when that happened my grandmother would be hidden from sight and sound.  This garden was dusty in drought and muddy in rain. The fig tree stood alone as a solid symbol of strength and vitality. It was a beautiful garden, indeed. “Just like in the garden.”

The second is how I envision the Garden of Eden – which I’m sure pales in comparison to what it really looks like. I picture exotic flowers, a beautiful tree of life with deep roots and expansive branches covered in glorious leaves of shades of green. I picture a worn path walked by God Himself and left for everyone who would come. I picture darting bunnies and the resounding chatter of hidden animals. This Eden was a place of peace and luxurious rest; a place of satisfaction and joy.  To be defined and have a steadfast soul in those words would be mind bending. “If You’re searching for Eden, find it in me…find it in me…”

This morning I read a prayer about being ‘dusty.’ My mind dreamt up a picture of a woman working in a garden, her feet and hands covered in dust. Her face covered too, but also marked with lines caused by sweat or perhaps a tear or two. I imagined that the covered parts of her body – her arms and legs were also ‘dusty’ just not as obvious as the exposed parts were. I pictured this woman walking into church today – Ash Wednesday – to receive her ashes and having the priest use the holy water to carve out a cross on her forehead as that would have been more noticeable than using the anointed ash from last year’s palms.

………..Maybe I was that woman working in the  garden. Working hard, laborious days… toiling away at tasks that seem mundane yet are necessary. Perhaps I’ve let the covered parts of me get dusty and I’ve decided not to care all that much since no one else could see……

My catechism has taught me that the Lenten season prepares us for Easter by way of prayer, repentance, penance and fasting. These sacrificial acts are necessary for preparing the heart for the Easter season. After all, it is the season that means that spring will emancipate us from a cold, long winter just as my Savior redeemed me from the same.

If I am the woman in the garden, this season has the possibility to redeem me from a self that is dusty and worn. If I am the woman in the garden, this season requires me to tend to my garden and view the mundane as striking and the necessary as an occasion of joy. If I am the woman in the garden, this season requires me to tend to planted seed and use as much care in the first seed as in the last for they ALL could bear fruit in season. If I am the woman in the garden, this season requires me to know that I cannot do any of this on my own nor am I doing any of it on my own as there is someone greater than I causing rain and drought and sunshine and cloud cover.

As the cry of my heart is to cultivate a heart of Eden, I also know that without God and without this Easter season, I cannot do that.  The answer to the above lyrical prayer is sung in the next stanza where God says “I’m right here, I’m right where you left me all this time.”  You see, He is ALWAYS here, always by my side and yours. Sometimes He is loud, other times He is silent. Sometimes you know which way to go, other times you don’t. But our God will  NEVER leave nor forsake us and He is always on our side. We think we’ve been abandoned. We think God is too busy and He doesn’t have time for us.. but the beauty of our God is that He is as near to me as He is to you – a whisper of His name can change everything, just as a wet wash cloth can wipe away hidden dust.

During this Lenten season, I encourage you to find those dusty places. Don’t look away from them and think that since company isn’t coming over, you can skip it this week. Go out to your garden and tend to the seeds planted – and if you haven’t planted in a while consider turning over the soil. Connect with the God of all nations who loves you more than we have the human capacity to love back…and most of all turn your hearts to Him who is worthy so that the harvest that is soon to come will produce a bounty.

Satisfaction

~~ Weekly Worship Team Devotional ~~

 

 

“Jesus is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.” ~John Piper

 

Yikes. I could probably write a sermon on this one, but I’ll do my best to keep it as short as I can.

 

There have been a few red letter moments in my life where I’ve felt truly satisfied; where the satisfaction runs deeper than my heart can see and my mind can comprehend. The kind of satisfaction that lasts for a while and leaves you with feelings of awe and disbelief. I feel like there are levels of satisfaction - like there is the satisfaction of a good meal, or a job well done, or an 'att'a'boy from a friend ---- these feelings of satisfaction are valid and even necessary at times, but nothing, NOTHING like the God-led satisfaction that hopefully you've experienced.

 

In order to be satisfied with Him, we have to know Him. In order to know Him, we must read Him and be in His presence. Satisfaction is not an independent emotion --- by that I mean that in order for satisfaction to occur, something has to happen first. In order for me to feel full, I have to prepare a meal; in order for me to experience a job well done, I have to have a job to do and do it well. See where I'm going? In order to be satisfied in Him, we HAVE to spend time in His presence.

 

When we spend time in His presence, we realize that there are things He wants us to do. There are ways in which He wants us to serve. There are people He wants us to minister to. Spending time with God allows us to hear the call He has on our lives. I've learned that most of the time when you are acting in obedience to your call, it feels natural. You are innately aware of your own shortcomings, but just as innately aware that God Himself will fill the gaps - and its easy to trust that when you are operating in your gift. Sure, you fail - we all do as we are NOT sinless and spotless as the lamb, BUT, you know that the failure was planned and that there is a lesson in it for you.

 

I say all of this to say that "Jesus is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him." I believe that to be satisfied in Him, we NEED to have a relationship with Him. That relationship does take work. It takes effort. It takes time. There are growing pains - but in the midst of it all, we are seeking satisfaction in Him. At the end of our lives, when we stand at the gates we ALL desire to hear "Well done, good and faithful servant," right? There, my friends, is the ULTIMATE satisfaction. And if we live our lives preparing for that statement and finding our satisfaction in spending time with Him, hearing Him, abiding in Him, and serving Him, then we can rest assured that Jesus will be most glorified in us. This, my friends, is the light that others see. This is the true mark of someone who knows the Lord and is known by Him. This, my friends, is the prayer I pray for all of us.

 

The worship list this week is a journey - its a reminder of how blessed we are, its a lifting of our hearts to a God who knows me as intimately as He knows you, and its a surrender of the things that hold us back so that we can find satisfaction in Him and give Him ALL the glory.

 ~Amen~  

How Many Times

~Worship Team Inspiration Devotional~

Mark 4:19 says: “But the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness of riches, and the desires for other things enter in and choke the Word, and it proves unfruitful.” In context, this is from a the parable of the sower (scattered seeds in different places, producing different results). As I read through it, I was struck particularly by verse 19.

How many times? How many times have we let the cares of this world trump the truth of God’s Word? How many times have we let our own selfish desires trump the Word? How many times have we put the advice of friends or family first before the advice of God’s Word and then been disappointed in the turnout? How many times have we placed emphasis on man or manmade things over the blessings that God has poured into our lives? How many times?

The good news is that God is not counting. He is not keeping a ledger with my name and yours next to it, tallying up the number of times we mess up. He is the same today, yesterday, and tomorrow. He is sovereign, and He sits on the throne of our hearts… And just as strong as His hands were when they created the universe is as gentle His hands were when He crafted each one of us – down to the gifts He bestowed and the number of hair on our heads. His love is secure. It is steady. It is unchanging and ever present.

Today, do yourself a favor and celebrate the power and sovereignty of the God we serve. He is worthy of ALL praise.

Knotted Love

I have the absolute honor of being a part of the worship team at our church. It is full of amazing talent and incredible hearts. On the weeks that I lead (meaning - I get to pray and seek a list of songs), I write a mini devotional to go along with my song choices. Usually, there is a scripture that I run across that sets the course for the list, or perhaps it's a song that won't leave my heart until its sung. In any event, I like to tell my team why I went the direction I did...I feel like if I can share my heart with them, they will be able to join me in earnest prayer for preparation for what's to come on Sunday. Sort of the "when two or more are gathered in my name" philosophy.

In any event, I often write these mini-devotionals (as I call them) and then I wish I saved them because I'd love to go back to read them later on.

So.

I've decided that I will post them here. They aren't too long and I know I will be happy to have them in a central place :)

Happy Reading!
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Zephaniah 3:17 “ The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing”

Love. It’s on my mind this week. Not just ohhh-i-love-my-husband-love (cause I do J), but I spent some time thinking about how much we all NEED to be loved, and how much we all NEED to love each other (as unconditionally as possible, forgiving faults and accepting people for who they are right in this moment).

It would be nice if our love was like a straight, taut rope with perfectly gapped and tied knots that mark the journey of how we came to love the person it was tied to. One knot for the first time you met, maybe one knot for the first time you realized that THIS person (spouse, family, mentor or friend) was going to be a part of your life. But the truth of the matter is that our love for each other is nothing like a perfectly taut rope of knots. Its knots within knots tied around knots with varying spaces between. Love can be messy and tangled and confusing. And because love can be these things, we have to look to the One who created love to straighten them out. His definition of love is not the same as ours (1 Corin 13).

Rick Warren said: “God IS love. (1 John 4:8) He didn’t need us. But he wanted us.” I’ve realized that when I feel unloved, or perhaps better stated – when I feel not loved to the full measure of love that I feel I need at that moment, I need to look to Him that is love to quiet my restless heart. What I am missing is the unconditional, holy love that only Jesus can pour into us. His love pours and seeps between the tangles and the knots because His love is perfect love. His love is able to reach the places that human love cannot.

I love this concept that Jesus COVETS us and that His sacrificial love is why we are able to be heaven-minded. That I can safely submit to His authority and trust that He has loved, is loving, and will continue to love me in whatever stage I’m at. As humans, we don’t have this capacity. But He does. He WANTS us and has paid the ultimate price for us.

My prayer is that you are able to get lost in the wonder of His love for us as you move thru this week. Focus on seeing how perfect love is able to fill the space between where your heart is and where His heart for you is.
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~ Love and light ~

Wherever I go, You find me. . .

So......I love music. Its probably a common theme you can see if you've read through my blog posts. Its also VERRRY obvious if you know me in real life. Every song is my favorite song (its true, though!). I love lyrics a ton too. I love to see how other people process emotion. I love to connect with strangers through the words that they privately penned to a page ... and I love that those same words could be called mine.

Have you ever had a moment where you knew something because you'd heard it a million times... yet you didn't really KNOW it, as in understand it? I can't be the only one, right? Tell me that has happened to you. Its like you hear it all the time. You even probably say it, but the true meaning of it is not something that your mind had wrapped itself around.

Well...

My heart recently has been burdened by a few things. Some heavier than others, but all of them together weighing a ton more than my heart is used to carrying. I frantically sought Truth in the pages of the Word, but rarely came across anything that shouted to me. I poured through song after song after song, yet didn't find comfort in what I was hearing. Until Monday.

As I was driving in to work, a worship leader out of Bethel Church in Redding, CA was serenading our God on my behalf. I was halfheartedly listening - the other half of my heart was deeply saddened and stuck in a thought process of its own. As she sang a song that is part of my 'private stock' worship, it was as if the music faded out and her words shouted in. She proclaimed "Nothing is hidden from Your sight; Wherever I go You find me; You know every detail of my life...You are God and You don't miss a thing."

[ INSERT SOB HERE ________________ ]

El Roi - the God who sees me. Heaven broke through in that moment. This God that I love and this God that I serve KNOWS me. Me. This crazy, obsessive, strong willed, not-always-obedient, random girl He created...He KNOWS me.

UGH... that means He knows ALL of me. Even the parts I keep hidden from myself. You know - the junky stuff sometimes bubbles out of nowhere that leaves even yourself wondering where it came from? He knows all of THAT stuff too... Ugh.

I realized in this very moment a bunch of things. The first one being that I found no comfort anywhere at all until this point because I was trying to figure it out all on my own. I was trying to be the one with the answers. I was trying to rationalize with God - yet, there is no need. He knows EVERY detail. I can't hide from him... and I realized that I was trying to. Instead of resting with Him, I was wrestling with Him. Instead of confiding in Him, I was hiding from Him. I was going about it wrong.

My God knows me - and he loves me anyway. He is the God who SEES me. He sees right through me. Past the outer courts of my heart into the not-so-holy place. He sees the things I place upon the altar and He asks me to clear a lot of it away. He sees my imperfections as perfection. He sees my motivations and my mistakes. He sees me running away to hide in a corner,  holding things in my hands that I should be putting into His. . . and He loves just the same. Crazy love.

We all hide things, right? We all hide things from other people and even from ourselves. Its a crazy thought that I could even hide from Him. What I realized in this undone moment on my way to work is that I can't... and I don't want to anymore.

The truth of the matter is that God knows every detail of our lives, and yet he still pursues us as though we were sinless and spotless as He was. We cannot hide from Him. We can ignore Him, but it doesn't change his omniscience. I've decided to embrace the mess I'm in and count it all as joy (and at this, I fail DAILY). I've decided that if God deems me worth knowing so intimately that I cannot hide, then I should just surrender. I've decided that if God himself covets us just the way we are, then He is worth every sacrifice we make to honor Him.

I am grateful that God is this way for everyone. He knows us ALL. When we go to Him, we do not have to justify any thought or action - we can just go. We can just be. We can just rest, mess and all.